10.26.09
Hard knocks
I don’t think I was this blah even after the miscarriage last year. It may have something to do with the fact that we were a) preventing pregnancy (or at least thought that’s what BCP would do), and b) I didn’t know about it until after it was over; while it was hard and I was angry and sad and upset about the whole thing, I don’t think it truly brought me down like this. We haven’t had sex in 2 full weeks. I think this is the only time that’s happened since P was born. And truly? I just can’t seem to feel sexy to do anything. I just feel like my body has completely failed me.
I don’t even know what to call it. I never got an actual + test, so I don’t think it counts as a chemical pregnancy. Just “that cycle where I tried to convince myself that I was late on ovulation but really I am sure when I ovulated and my period was still 5 days late” seems a little burdensome. The “cycle that wasn’t”? Wasn’t what? Wasn’t positive? That describes all of them. So what made this one different?
It doesn’t make sense to me that this hit so hard. I’ve just been feeling so incredibly desperate lately. Like time is passing by and we’re no closer at all to having another child. That there’s someone just out of reach, and I don’t know who it is but I know they’re supposed to be here with our family. J keeps saying “Call, let’s at least do the Clomid cycle, we can do the IVF,” but he has no job and hasn’t since February. I know we’ve got the money that we conceivably could do those. But if in a few months he still doesn’t have a job, we’ll have spent the mortgage money on an IVF cycle that I’m fairly convinced isn’t going to work anyway. I certainly can’t justify that; truly, I don’t think J really could justify it but he wants me to be happy.
I honestly feel like I want to do IVF just to get through it. If it works, that would be lovely. If not, I want to know that we tried rather than wondering forever. I certainly would absolutely love to carry a child again, to give birth and breastfeed again. Those were incredibly special times for us and I’d love to do it again. And if IVF doesn’t work, I think I’ll be OK enough with that being the end of the fertility journey. We’ll move onto adoption again without the uncertainty that I feel right now.
We started talking about IVF seriously when I was 28. I’m almost 32 now. We adopted in the meantime and it was most certainly the right decision for us then. Right now, it doesn’t feel like the right decision yet. I have no doubt that we will adopt again, regardless of IVF success or failure, but it doesn’t feel like we should move on before doing IVF this time.
My babies are getting so big. K, sweet little K, turns 3 in 3 weeks. He was just a tiny baby of 1 year old when we first saw his picture on P’s 4th birthday. Now he’s almost 3. He talks so much and we can have real conversations now. He has the most adorable sense of humor and loves to laugh. He’s almost as big as P, who will turn 6 just 2 weeks after K’s birthday. My oldest baby is in kindergarten. He’s starting to read on his own. He’s so creative and bright and smart.
How can they be so big? Right around the time that P turned 3, we moved on to pursuing adoption. We had a plan in mind and the means to pursue it. I think this hit me so hard because I know that we can’t afford to do either of our plans right now and if I were to just “get pregnant”, we wouldn’t have to worry about it anymore. Ironically, we can afford a child even without J working full-time. We just can’t afford to get pregnant. It seems like the opposite problem that a lot of people have.
I’m going to be writing some password-protected posts soon. If you’d like the password, leave me a comment and/or e-mail me at pcosbaby at gmail dot com.
electriclady said,
October 26, 2009 at 10:36 pm
I hate, hate, hate, HATE the fact that when you’re infertile, the decision to add to your family is made by economics (way more harshly than the usual, “can we afford to raise and feed and clothe another child?”, but instead “do we have $15K RIGHT NOW?”). And this economy is only making things worse.
I’m so sorry that you’re feeling desperate and hemmed in by circumstances outside your control. It’s a terrible way to feel. I hope that you see some light soon.
(And I would love to have the password if you want to share.)
Krista said,
October 26, 2009 at 11:04 pm
Oh Erin, I hate that you seem to have no options right now I hope that changes very soon.
I would like to have the password please!
irshlas said,
October 26, 2009 at 11:10 pm
(constant reader; random commenter. Would love to continue reading the pwp to follow your story, if you’re so inclined.)
Your post is so timely for me, as I’ve been having the same debate – ivf vs. adoption. Of course, it’s all been one sided as DH is firmly in the “this is it – we’re done” camp. DS turned 3 in August and I’m thinking the same thing -”how on earth are we at 3 already??”
My jealousy turns on the fact that the stepsons are 15 and 18. Why? Because when the oldest turned 3, DH said “if we’re having another one we need to do it now” and voila! Baby # 2 was on his way. I, on the other hand, don’t have the luxury of ‘choosing’ to add another child to our family simply by tossing back a few beers and throwing caution to the wind.
35 sudenly seems so old….
jesspond said,
October 27, 2009 at 12:24 am
You break my heart with sympathy. I just….feel so incredibly in the same place, though my “babies” are younger. But man. They are no babies anymore, and man….
Man.
I am with you. We may not be able to afford (not necessarily the money) getting pregnant, either, but we could afford (every way) another child. Sad, that, and in the worst way.
Of course I’d love the password. I’m there, in a heartbeat.
May said,
October 27, 2009 at 12:53 am
I wish that a door would open up for you somewhere RIGHT NOW.
Password protected posts sound intriguing.
Rebel said,
October 27, 2009 at 3:15 pm
Well now, you know I want the password!!
I could have written your post almost to the letter. Turtle will be 2 in January, and with 4 failed cycles since her birth, I have been feeling desperate to. Of course my fight is over the embies I have on ice, I couldn’t do another fresh cycle again, my heart just couldn’t take it, I cannot however leave those little Frosties there all alone, and that is what Clark doesn’t get.
I totally understand need to do SOMETHING though. Every AF brings heartache here to, even though I know I don’t stand an ice cube’s chance in hell of getting pregnant on my own… it sure would be nice!!
Hugs,
Rebel
My Reality said,
October 27, 2009 at 6:23 pm
I wish you weren’t stuck in limbo land with what to do. It makes it all that much more frustrating.
And yes, I want the password!
Aunt Becky said,
October 27, 2009 at 6:24 pm
I’d love the password if you don’t mind sharing with me (I dig if you don’t) and I’m sorry. I don’t have any wisdom or advice. I’m just here. Holding your hand.
Anne said,
October 27, 2009 at 10:22 pm
I’ve lurked for quite a while now but found your journey interesting and would like to continue if you’d care to share the password. Like the others above, if you don’t, I understand.
Melody said,
October 28, 2009 at 12:27 pm
I’d like the password too. I remember what it felt like when I was ready to have a baby and couldn’t– it’s soul-sucking. Right now I’m ambivalent about the idea of having another child, which tells me its definitely not the right time– just not sure I could spare the energy. I give so much of it to Simone, and I think right now I’d be dividing, not multiplying it. I very much want a pregnancy and birth do-over right now, but that’s no justification for having another baby. I’d surrogate if I could stand handing one over, but I know I couldn’t.
Dana said,
October 28, 2009 at 12:47 pm
God gives us exactly what we need when we need it. Try letting go and really listening to what He is saying. I, too, would love the password.
sky said,
October 28, 2009 at 12:56 pm
Password password password!!
Please?
I respectfully disagree with the last commenter. Actually, it’s not that I disagree with the concept so much as the platitude. Sorry. No one needs to hear that stuff about god having his own plan for each of us etc. when you’re probably feeling very abandoned and injured by said god.
Anyway, I’m always here with an ear even though I may not have wise and comforting words.
xo
Jennifer said,
October 28, 2009 at 1:06 pm
No great words of wisdom here-but I have been in the same place. Husband and I had a similar discussion-if we had to IVF, we wanted to at least try just so we would know that we did everything.
However, I do see your reservations about not wanting to spend the money without another source of income-the what ifs are too strong.
Hugs from the internet my dear-wish I could do more. I would be honored to have the password if you so deem it.
Heather said,
October 29, 2009 at 2:29 pm
Hopefully you will be able to find the path that is right for your family and something that will allow you to have some peace no matter what the outcome.
I would very much like to have the password if you would like to give it to me. (hamiltonfamilycircus[at]yahoo[dot]com)
Anna said,
October 30, 2009 at 6:11 am
delurking Erin,
Been following your blog since my infertility days and now were both a-moms to an Ethiopian-born boy. My son will soon be 7 yrs. old.
ciao from Turin, Italy
Anna
Anna said,
October 30, 2009 at 6:12 am
I forgot to add, if you feel like sharing – I’d like a password too!
Anna
Brea said,
October 30, 2009 at 12:12 pm
Dear Erin,
Though I can’t understand your pain through personal experience, my heart aches as I read this post. To hope for something so good, and to have your hopes dashed each month…it is all so very unfair. Know that an IRL friend cares and is praying that the desires of your heart will be fulfilled.
Yo-yo Mama said,
November 2, 2009 at 12:49 am
Sometimes seeing our little ones grow, it tends to shine a spotlight on how time is slipping away from us. It’s so very hard…it’s like chasing shadows. You know it’s there, but you just can’t quite touch it. No matter what, we always want to slow things down because when there’s infertility, every day counts either against us or for us. There’s never a “down” time.
Tim & Rhianna said,
November 2, 2009 at 1:57 am
I second that, Brea. Much love to you, Erin, and we hope and pray with you as you travel this road.
Jenn said,
November 5, 2009 at 12:05 am
I can not believe K is almost three… It seems like yesterday when you got his referral.
I understand the path you are traveling… and it’s hard. You are tough though, and you WILL be okay.
Please send me the password.
Lavender Luz said,
November 6, 2009 at 2:11 pm
Thank you so much for your kind words on my blog today
.
I see that this post is from several days ago, and I hope that the blues have moved on by now. And that some clarity has moved in as to your course of action.
I hope, also, that you are in for a fulfilling weekend!
thalia said,
November 9, 2009 at 7:21 pm
Yes please password.
No I don’t think it’s all Gd’s plan, blahdiblahblah. I think unfortunately the powers that be need a little shove sometimes, sometimes harder than others. Sorry this is so hard right now, such an awful place to be. I hope there is some reasonable resolution soonish.
chezperky said,
November 11, 2009 at 9:55 am
Oh, honey, I’m so sorry. I know this isn’t easy – and you don’t have to have a rational reason to explain it. I think a lot of it is that infertility takes you down and it gets worse with time. So whether you had a + pee stick or not, this is just one more thing dragging you down. It’s hard, so hard.
I would, please, like the password.
Amy said,
November 15, 2009 at 2:10 pm
Hey Erin! Can I have the password please? Also, can you send me an email? My computer crashed and with it I lost your other blog and for the life of me I can’t remember it!!! Thanks!
Amy
Endobaby said,
November 15, 2009 at 11:42 pm
I would like the password too if thats ok?
Rachel Hawkes said,
November 16, 2009 at 8:57 pm
Hi Erin, de-lurking to say that I too would like the pswd … though understand if this is for friends & family only. I came across your blog due to it being about PCOS and as well as having PCOS I’m chair of the UK PCOS charity. The honesty you share on your blog is something else, thank you, thank you.
Also, book recommendation. I just finished The Lost Symbol by Dan Brown… ’tis a very good read.
Ferenje Mama said,
November 25, 2009 at 8:04 pm
Password me, baby!
You know I have no assvice… just here to give supportive words and cyber hugs.
FM