October 28, 2005

So now what???

Posted in TTC woes at 9:06 am by Erin

P is the perfect little boy.  He was a gorgeous baby and has turned into a beautiful little boy, happy, only cried when he needed something, and even from the beginning, he had distinct cries for when he was hungry, needed changing, or just wanted to be held.  We didn’t co-sleep because we have a waterbed, although there were plenty of times that it would have been awfully nice to be able to just nurse him while dozing.  Actually, I fell asleep while nursing plenty of times, but since I was in the rocking chair, I woke up with a very stiff neck each time.  Good thing I never dropped him!

Now P is nearly 2, and J and I wanted our kids spaced 2 years apart.  Yeah, ’cause the planning thing worked so well the first time around.  So we stopped the minipill when P was 11 months old, AF came back at 13 1/2 months post-partum (just in time for my birthday, lucky me), and a few months after that, I went back on Metformin.  And here I sit.

Sometimes, I feel very depressed about the whole thing.  My sister, who never wants to have children, has a cycle as regular as the moon.  Other people I know get pg just by thinking about it–or not thinking about it, as the case may be.  And they expect me to commiserate with them when "they don’t know what to do"!  Barking up the wrong tree, gals!

We didn’t tell anyone IRL when we were TTC P, except for one work friend of mine who’s dealing with unexplained IF, and has been for nearly 4 years now.  For the whole 16 months, through the uncertainty, the pain, the testing (blessedly little of it though there was), the depression, we told no one in our families.  In fact, we deliberately misled people who were trying to push us into having kids because I know my family and I didn’t want to be constantly hearing "So, do you have any news for us?" or want to constantly have to update them on what steps we were taking.  Maybe that makes me a bad infertile.  I’ve often heard, and thought it myself, that   I deliberately avoided any opportunity I could take to educate other people about IF, about what they could say and how they could help.  But that felt right then, so that’s what we did.  And guess what?  We’re doing it again.  Actually my sister knows that we’re TTC, and I think my mom knows (she knows I’m back on Metformin and knows that we needed that last time, so it’s not too much of a stretch), which means my dad and my aunt, and possibly my other aunt and uncle, maybe a grandmother…well hell, is this a surprise to anyone?!?!

Anyway, even with as few people "know" this time, I’m still getting comments on things, and that makes me even more reluctant to share with others.  I can do it anonymously online–that doesn’t bother me.  But I don’t like talking about it to family.  Maybe I’m just shy about the fact that it clearly means that we’re having a lot of sex, and I record each and ever time on my chart.  Quite honestly, I can’t imagine telling my mom "Well, we timed things well this month, we’ll know soon".  Gaaaaaaaah!  Maybe the next time we’re walking on the beach and I tell her that I’m not feeling so fresh down there, but until then, not a chance.

So what do you think?  Is this something that’s better to be shared, in the hopes of educating people?  Or should I just keep my sex life private for now?

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