December 29, 2005

The contentment is gone

Posted in TTC woes at 3:40 pm by Erin

But it was nice while it lasted.  Surprisingly not, its end coincided with the following, all of which happened yesterday:

1) first PMS and then the arrival of AF

2) leaving my IL’s house, where we had a truly wonderful time and also enjoyed the side benefit of having lots of time to do normal couple things since MIL and FIL were practically pushing us out of the house so that they could get P to themselves (we saw King Kong!  And got to go out with J’s friends!  And shopped without a toddler in tow!  I love my IL’s)

3) embarking on the 9.5 hour trip home that instead took 14 hours and included an unexpected sidetrip to Louisville, Kentucky (if you look at a map, you’ll note that Louisville is not supposed to be on the trip between Columbus, Ohio, and Atlanta, but it was part of ours)

4) a migraine of monstrous proportions, given that my migraines are made worse by movement and driving is a lot of constant movement.  They’re not normally made worse by light or noise but apparently headlights in the dark flashing into my eyes and a toddler who’s (understandably) tired of being in his carseat will also aggravate a migraine

5) and coming home to a house that was a disaster since I had to do the packing and things on my list, and cleaning didn’t get done before we left.

It may also have something to do with the fact that apparently having a 2-year-old means that everyone gets to say "Time to have another one!" to me.  In the last week, I’ve had variations of that from my MIL, 3 of J’s friends in Columbus, and P’s teachers.  And several people I know either on-line or for real have announced pregnancies, some surprise and some planned.

It kills me that my stomach clenches when someone announces a pregnancy.  I’ve been very lucky that all of them have been announced either on a message board or through e-mail so that I haven’t had to face anyone while they tell me.  Because right now if someone told me that in person, I don’t know how I’d react.  I think I’d probably force a smile and manage a congratulations somehow, but I truly am not sure that I wouldn’t just break down. 

As planned, we’re taking this cycle off from really trying.  No tests, no nothing.  I probably won’t even use my monitor, though I did reset it this morning.  I don’t know if it’s hitting me hard because a part of me thought that we wouldn’t have to take a cycle off, or because I know that it means that next cycle we’ll be doing all the initial testing.  I hate Clomid and I’ll probably be on a higher dose next cycle, I dread having another HSG, I’ve never had a post-coital, and I hate the thought of embarking on this journey…but the idea of having another child, of getting to experience that process is too great to resist.

My IL’s gave us each some money for part of our holiday gifts.  I don’t know what J’s doing with his.  I’m going to take a little and spend it on getting some small things that I’ve wanted.  The rest is going into my adoption fund.  That’s totally separate from what we spend trying to get me pregnant.  My New Year’s resolution is to get the adoption process started in 2006.  Even if we get pg, I want to get started.  If we do nothing more than go to some seminars and look at some different agencies, that’s fine, but I don’t want to end 2006 in the same place that we’re ending 2005.

And now I must start dinner for my family–fish sticks, steamed broccoli, and rice!  Whee.  Hey, give me a break.  We didn’t get back until late last night and I spent most of today repairing the house from the tornado that appears to have hit it when we brought in all of P’s new gifts (most of which are now down in the basement).  And we have 5 more nights of Hanukkah that will undoubtedly contain MORE TOYS!  I am sure of this, having bought several of them myself.

Later, the story of J’s gift to me…

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