January 18, 2006

The blog entry I’ve been meaning to write

Posted in TTC woes at 9:43 am by Erin

It’s harder than I’d realized because it makes me come to some really tough conclusions.  And I haven’t yet talked to J about them, so I don’t know what his reaction will be.

I hate infertility.  Clearly, that is not a new concept for me.  I’ve been dealing with different versions of that for the last 4 years, since we started TTC P.  You would think it would have gone away once I got pregnant but nope, it stuck around.  There is rarely a pregnant woman of whom I’m not jealous.  Even when I was my biggest and rounded and full of P kicking the hell out of my bladder, I would still be jealous of other pregnant women.  It felt like I had worked so damned hard to get pregnant and there they were, getting pregnant easily, and we were all treated the same.  Especially because I am (get ready to hate me) one of the ones who got pregnant while J and I were on vacation (yes, I’d heard that assvice before as well).  I don’t think I expected special treatment, but a bit of recognition that it sometimes takes longer would have been nice (a “congratulations, I know you’ve been waiting a long time for this” would have done it).  I know I am a selfish, greedy twit.

Since we started TTC before P was even a year old, I never expected we’d be past his second birthday with no pregnancy in sight.  And it’s bringing up new issues that I had never thought about. 

I don’t want my child to remember us dealing with IF.

P has already come across me crying when I was feeling particularly blue about the end of another cycle and, as he is a sweet and sensitive little boy, he said “Mama sad?”, practically started crying himself, and gave me hugs and kisses until I felt better.  As sweet as it was, I don’t want him to see his Mama crying so hopelessly ever again.  I certainly don’t want to get to a point where he would ever have a memory of it.  And I feel like somewhere between 3 and 4 is where that would happen, as I have a few memories from before that age but have a lot of them starting at that time.

He will be 3 in less than 11 months.  Which means that I have just about that much time to get pregnant.  That sounds like an eternity to many people, but including the time we tried for P, we have TTC for 30 months and gotten pregnant on exactly one of them.  Well, probably twice but as I’m only assuming that I really did have a chemical pregnancy (though the evidence has convinced me), only one that stuck.  One out of 30.  Suddenly, the odds of another one in only 11 doesn’t feel so good.

I never thought time would be a factor in having a baby, as I was so young when we started TTC (just before my 24th birthday) and even when we had P (6 weeks before I turned 26).  I certainly never expected to feel like we had a time frame by which I had to either get pregnant or stop trying.  It’s not something being imposed officially, just something that I feel like we need to do.

I don’t know how it makes me feel.  Certainly desperate that if I’m going to get pregnant, it needs to be ASAP.  Depressed that I have to even think about my child being sad because his mama is sad.  Hopeless, since I feel like there’s nothing that’s going to make that happen.  Worried that I will be unable to accept that I’ll only be able to give birth to one child.  And a very tiny, small fatalistic part that thinks “at least in a year, it’ll all be over one way or another”.

Overall, though, I am so very scared about this.

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4 Comments »

  1. Amanda said,

    ((Erin))…
    I cannot write much now, but I have so much to say on this beautiful and brutally honest post. Please know that I love you, and I will be back soon.
    Hugs,
    amanda

  2. Julie said,

    You know, one of my greatest reservations about the possibility of cycling again is the notion that Charlie might be affected by it. Even though he’s too young this minute to react the way poor tiny P did, I know he can tune in when I’m feeling stress or sadness, and I’m terrified of…tainting him in that way.
    You say it so well.

  3. Erin said,

    Thanks Amanda (((HUGS)))

  4. Erin said,

    Julie, it’s definitely true that they pick up on things early. I had no idea that it would affect him that way then, but I don’t want to do that to him once he’ll remember it. It’s bad enough that J and I struggle with it, but we’re making that choice for ourselves. P doesn’t get a choice.
    P’s been picking up on emotions since he was a baby–I have no doubt that Charlie does the same thing. He may not be able to react the same way as P did a few months ago, but he’ll still react to it.
    It’s an incredibly hard decision to make, and one of the reasons I probably won’t consider IVF even if nothing else works. I feel like we would be so much more letdown if that didn’t work that we wouldn’t be able to keep it from affecting P.
    Thanks for the support.


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