February 2, 2006

The meaning of jealous

Posted in The musings of Erin at 8:29 am by Erin

That has to be the weirdest search term I’ve ever had from Google.  I’ve had the usual "PCOS spotting", "Clomid ovulation", etc.  But that I came up on a search for "meaning of jealous" kind of threw me. 

It linked back to an entry about being jealous of pregnant women, which is true.  I am often jealous of pregnant women–I was talking to a friend yesterday about the ends of our pregnancies.  Both of us were kind of miserable at the end, and both of us said we’d do it again in a heartbeat–3 or 4 weeks of not feeling great in order to get another baby out of it?  Absolutely! 

But lately, I find myself mellowing on the issue of jealousy.  I often feel more wistful than jealous.  I don’t know if I’ve started to come to terms with the fact that I might never get to be pregnant again.  I hope so.  The wistfulness comes with a touch of sadness, but it doesn’t make me feel hopeless or depressed.  I can live my life with wistfulness.  I can probably even continue teaching Bradley classes and having pregnant women in my living room every week.  I can’t live my life being consumed with jealousy and depression about pregnancy.  I don’t want to be bitter and angry at my body forever.

J is reading "Born in our Hearts: Stories of Adoption" for the second time.  It’s funny–he’s the one who tells me not to be so pessimistic about the chance of getting pregnant again, but I think he’d jump on a plane today to adopt a child if he had the chance.

I worry about adoption.  I think about all the issues that go along with it.  I love our families and I know they’ll accept any children we adopt, but I worry about them making a distinction between our bio child and our adopted children.  J doesn’t even think about these things.  He figures we’ll cross those bridges when we come to them.  I’m a planner.  I like to know how things are going to go.  J’s a risk-taker, much more spontaneous than I am.  We have a solid relationship because we balance each other out so nicely–he’s taught me how to research stocks and invest, I’ve helped him make a strong business by thinking of different issues ahead of time so that he was prepared for them.  There are so many things that I never would have been willing to do before J, and there are ways I’ve saved him from making mistakes by jumping into things too quickly.  I see my life before J, and it was pretty boring.  J’s life is probably a little tamer now than it used to be.  It works.  Somehow, perfectly, it works.

So anyway, jealousy.  I don’t worry so much about it right now.  Maybe it’s because I’m only on day 8 of this cycle and right now, I’m feeling rather ambivalent about this cycle–I’d expected to be done with my defense by now and be doing all our testing.  Since we’re not, this cycle is just kind of blah.  Maybe the jealousy will return when this cycle ends.  But right now, I’m feeling OK.  Right now, a part of me wishes that all of this IF stuff were done so that we could just get on with adoption.  That part gets bigger every day.  I know I would someday regret not having at least tried to have another pregnancy, another birth, another child to nurse, so I don’t feel ready to let go entirely.  But I really feel like I’ll be able to accept it now if we go as far as we’re willing to try and it doesn’t happen.  Not today, but sometime in the not-too-far-distant future.  It gives me a lot of peace of mind.


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