April 5, 2006

Never Say No One In My Family Knows The Right Thing To Say Again

Posted in The musings of Erin at 7:28 am by Erin

Just FYI, before I get started: AF is here, I’m in pain, J is at work, and I’m letting P watch Barney as a "special treat" so that I can sit here in a small, quiet ball of agony with the heating pad.

OK, receiving 1 vote: Never Say No One In My Family Knows The Right Thing To Say Again!

So I’ve mentioned before my reluctance to share anything at all fertility related with my family.  I love them, but they’re: a) incapable of keeping secrets, b) incapable of being circumspect, and c) prone to saying stupid things like "just relax" or "you’re young, it’ll happen".  And there’s the fact that if I did tell them, they would ask me about it every single time we spoke, without fail.  They’re nothing if not predictable.

But while in NY a few weeks ago, I was talking to my cousin T.  T’s name rhymes with mine (probably not too tough to figure it out).  She is less than 5 months older than I am.  We grew up always living within 15 miles of each other.  She’s one of my best friends.  We talked constantly on the phone, we shared clothes and all sorts of things despite the fact that we never went to the same school.  Even though we don’t live near each other now, and don’t have the chance to talk often, she’s still one of my best friends and I know I can tell her anything.

Although she knows that we had trouble conceiving P, she also knows that we got pregnant quickly once on the Metformin and that her sister, who also has PCOS, got pregnant twice with Clomid alone (no Met-had a very sad miscarriage at 14 weeks the first time, had b/g twins the second time on their first cycle back on Clomid).  I hadn’t told her about any of our fertility issues this time around–love her dearly, but she’s very close to her mother (my aunt), who is very close to my mom.  There’s just no telling when something would slip. 

But even so, I’m getting sick and tired of hiding things, so when she asked me if we were planning more kids, I told her that we’ve been trying for about a year and a half and nothing had happened.  And then a funny thing happened.  I expected a cliched comment about it’ll happen, blah blah blah.  Instead, she said, "I was just talking to a friend of mine who wants kids and is having trouble.  It just doesn’t seem right that you spend so many years trying to avoid pregnancy and then can’t have kids when you want to."

I was floored.  Amazed.  Speechless.  I could only nod.  I so desperately wanted to talk to her more about it, but we were surrounded by relatives all over the place.  And we didn’t have another chance to visit that trip, since we left the next day.  It felt so good to have someone acknowledge that it’s not always easy and there’s something so inherently unfair when that happens.

I haven’t had a chance to talk to her since then, but am looking forward to calling her this weekend.  Maybe I’m jumping in too quickly, but I really think she’ll be a great support throughout this whole process.  The infertility, the adoption, everything.  I should have more faith in her–we have been best friends for the last 28+ years.  I guess I’m just jaded and cynical that people who assume they’re fertile won’t get the infertile feelings.  It feels so good to know that maybe, just maybe, I’m wrong.

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