May 23, 2006

I wish…

Posted in The musings of Erin at 7:06 am by Erin

I wish I hadn’t gotten an e-mail from a friend thanking me for making her son a pillow, and asking if J and I have any plans for having more babies.

I wish I didn’t know that that one sentence means I’m probably not going to be able to respond to her for a very long time.

I wish I were sure of which country I wanted to to for adoption–I got an e-mail today from one of the agencies that works with Ethiopia, but this was saying that they expect all their families adopting from Russia to be matched shortly and that the wait for an infant was 4 months at most.  That killed me.

I wish I didn’t see that and immediately think "Our child could be in Russia!"

I wish I could get as excited about TTC as I used to be.  I ovulated yesterday and J had to seriously talk me into "taking one for the team" last night, as all I wanted to do was go to sleep.

For that matter, I wish I enjoyed sex as much as I used to.  Now it often feels like more of an obligation than a loving experience (though J doesn’t seem to mind).  I hope that’s a temporary thing and that I’ll appreciate it more in the future.

I wish I could get off my rear and find a counselor.  I think I need it.

I wish P hadn’t completely regressed in his potty training while the twins were here.  The shock of having to share his toys with babies (he’s good at sharing with kids his own age) was enough to send him back into diapers for 2 days, and now we’re back to going entirely pants-less.

I wish I knew if that was a harbinger of what to expect when we bring home another child.  Should we deliberately request a child closer to his age so that he’ll see him/her as a playmate and not as competition?  Should we request a younger child who won’t be playing with his toys yet because he/she isn’t mobile?

I wish I wasn’t avoiding a friend of mine, who e-mailed back in February to congratulate me on passing my defense, solely because she’d mentioned that they were also TTC#2 and I think it’ll hurt to hear that they’ve succeeded.  I’ve little doubt that they have, but I don’t know that I can hear it personally.

I wish I knew if this cycle was successful.  We’re about as covered as we can be in terms of timing, but I hate having to wait out the next 12 days.  OK, only 8 before I start spotting.

I wish the thought that I’m going to start spotting next Wednesday (which is the day I teach Bradley classes and have 3-4 pregnant women in my house) didn’t make me want to cry.

I wish I could cry about TTC more often.  I think it would help relieve some stress, but the times I most want to cry are the times that I feel like it’s hopeless anyway, and crying wouldn’t do any good.

I wish that all infertiles had good friends to talk to in person.  As great as it is to have this outlet, sometimes you just want to be able to cry on a friend’s shoulder.

Is there a meteor shower soon?  I need a whole lot of shooting stars.

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3 Comments »

  1. DD said,

    I wish you weren’t hurting…
    I understand completely about the blogging vs. IRL shoulders. With blogging, you know that those writers/commentors “get it” and they are numerous. However, as you said, nothing can beat just one understanding and warm shoulder of a person who will whisper, “everything’s going to be OK.”

  2. Amanda said,

    I wish that I could be there right now…because I do understand. I get where you are coming from..I have a beautiful daughter, but the loss of our TTC dreams still hits me at odd and painful moments. I have learned to work through them, but agree that counseling helped tremendously.
    Love you.

  3. Heather said,

    I’m sending happy thoughts your way. And I wish that things work out for you, in what ever why that happens to be, sooner rather than later.


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