May 24, 2006

That’s not what I meant…

Posted in The musings of Erin at 11:12 am by Erin

Or, I should say, that yesterday’s post wasn’t quite how I’m feeling.  It sounded right at the time but now that I’m looking back on it, it was really more negative than I’m actually feeling these days.

I think J’s and my discussion a few weeks ago was enough to make me realize that, as excited as I am about adopting, I’m not ready to do it today.  Or tomorrow, or next month.  And that kind of took away my "safety net", as I was thinking about it.

I know how callous that sounds.

I’ve spent the last few months trying to convince myself that I’ll be OK if I can’t get pregnant again by the end of the year, that we’ll adopt and love that baby or babies as much as we would any baby that came from our bodies.  But now I know I was wrong.  I’m not OK with that idea.  I love that we will adopt, and I know that we’ll love those children as much as we love P.  But the fact that I might not be able to have another child is more frightening than depressing at this point.  And it’s frightening because I’m scared of just how depressed I’m going to feel come the holidays this year if I’m not pregnant.

I’m not a big fan of the unknown.  I like to forge ahead with things as quickly as possible, before the apprehension has a chance to sneak in.  Some might call it recklessness, I think of it as being prudent and knowing myself well.  Because when I don’t do something right away, and get scared, I delay as long as I possibly can, until I am either forced to do it or admit that I’m not going to do it.  For example, I was partly really happy that my water broke several weeks before I expected it to with P–it meant that I had to really go through labor and have a baby within 24 hours.  No real time to get frightened, no worries about induction, no weeks of painful contractions that would have made me nervous about the real labor.  Just POP, then it was off to the hospital to have a baby.  In retrospect, it was the perfect way for me to have a baby.

That’s not how you can deal with infertility.  It’s not like I can go out there and say "OK, let’s do a lap today and see if I have endometriosis!"  If I could do that, I probably would.  I wouldn’t have time to get scared about the procedure or the ramifications if they did or didn’t find endo.  But you can’t just dive right in because no matter what happens, you’re at the mercy of your body.  Of cycles and medications, of ultrasounds and bloodwork.  So it’s given me lots of time to get scared.

I know I sounded depressed about everything yesterday.  A big part of that is fear.  I realize that I’ve pulled back on even doing the most basic of adoption research lately.  I’ve had time to realize the responsibilities of raising an interracial family, and it’s got me scared.  What if I can’t do it well?  I know it’s best that I realize just what a huge responsibility it is to adopt a child from another culture ahead of time, to not go into with rose-colored glasses and think that just because we love our child, it will all work out OK.  But there’s just so much to consider and, now that I’ve had some time to realize that, I’m afraid of it.

It’s not easy to admit such a thing.  I like to consider myself strong.  I don’t like to admit to fears.  OK, I’m terrified of falling–even a few inches makes me panic.  But other than that, I like to think that I’m brave and willing to face hardships head-on.  Lately, I’ve started coming to the realization that I might not be.  That maybe I’m a big wimp.  I don’t like feeling this way.

But I’m not as depressed as I sounded in that post.  I just wish I could fast-forward the year and know what was going to happen by December.  Right now there are two pathways in my brain, infertility and adoption, and I can’t pursue the second without resolving the first in one way or another.  I just wish I knew what that way was going to be.

Damn, I still need those shooting stars…


Oh, and fertility abounds in my house, just not in my body.  We already knew the fish were fertile.  To add to that, last night, our snails laid eggs.  Lots of eggs.  Probably 50 eggs.  We’ll see if they hatch or not.


1 Comment »

  1. Alli said,

    I can relate to that fear – the fear of the unknown. Good luck to you!

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