July 15, 2006

Surprising thoughts

Posted in The musings of Erin at 5:52 pm by Erin

There are times, few and far between, when I almost feel like primary IF was a blessing in disguise.  I can assure you that I would be very unlikely to feel that way if I hadn’t managed to get pregnant and have a baby after primary IF, but I was one of the fortunate ones.  And because SIF is proving much more difficult to overcome, I sometimes feel like primary IF was a good thing.

I really was one of the fortunate ones.  My biggest pregnancy complaint in the first trimester was that an almost complete lack of symptoms that, coupled with the sometimes-significant spotting, was pretty scary.  I started feeling P move unquestionably at 14.5 weeks and started feeling good kicks on a (very) regular basis by 16.5 weeks, which helped reassure me that there really was someone in there and that he or she was still alive.  The Braxton-Hicks contractions that started at 15.5 weeks, 2 weeks after going off Metformin, were scary but were managed fairly easily.  I got to have the birth I wanted and came home with a healthy baby.

I had a hard time complaining about any aspect of my pregnancy.  Not because there was nothing about which to complain, but because I felt like I had no right–I had desperately wished and prayed and hoped to be pregnant, so what right did I have to complain?  Aruond 32 weeks pregnant, I finally came to the realization that a little complaining about the sciatic nerve pain that had plagued me from week 13 on and made it difficult to walk near the end of my pregnancy, or about the fact that my ankles swelled to beach ball proportions by lunchtime, didn’t mean that I didn’t want my baby or wasn’t deliriously happy to be pregnant.  It just meant that I was hurting. 

Coming to that realization was very freeing.  I stopped feeling guilty that I even wanted to complain.  I still didn’t do a lot of complaining but knowing that it didn’t reflect on how I felt about my baby helped.

But even when I was feeling lousy, I reveled in my pregnancy.  I knew how lucky I was, how special it was to be pregnant, and tried to take nothing forgranted.  I talked to my belly from the week that I knew I was pregnant, even when I thought I was about to miscarry, just describing the scenery as I was walking or telling the baby about his or her family.  J used to come home from work to find me laying on the futon and putting things on my belly just so P would kick them off, and laughing each time.  I thought it was hysterical when my belly button flattened and then became an outie.  J often told me to stop pestering the baby when I would poke at any and all strange lumps that showed up as P pushed out his hands and feet and knees.  I loved it.  Even if I never get to experience another pregnancy, I’ll never regret that I didn’t experience that one as fully as possible.  And I don’t think I would have nearly so much if I hadn’t been aware that I might never get to do it again.

Advertisements

3 Comments »

  1. It’s so very true. This may be my only shot, and while I definitely have my phasess of misery, I keep reminding myself that I’m growing babies(!) and to enjoy every minute possible, because it may not happen for me again.

  2. DD said,

    This post reminds me of how I *didn’t* revel in my pregnancies. I didn’t appreciate those day-to-day miracles and smile through the morning sickness and the posterior labor or c-section. It makes me very sad that I may never get the chance again to make up for all the bitching and whining I did.

  3. elecriclady said,

    So beautifully put. I’m trying to enjoy it while I can, when I’m not gripped by terror that is. Actually, in a weird way, though, complaining about everyday pregnancy symptoms (nausea, fatigue) helps me to feel normal and more present in the moment–as if I really am having a normal pregnancy. Morning sickness is its own perverted little miracle–at least if you never thought you’d ever get to experience it.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: