July 31, 2006

The next choices

Posted in All ahead to adoption at 7:03 am by Erin

Several things here: first, I’ve been telling people in droves that we’re planning to adopt.  The conversation usually goes something like this:

"Are you planning on having any more kids/making P a big brother?"

"Yes, we’re going to adopt internationally, so he’ll be a big brother sometime in the next year or two."

"Why would you want to do that?  Don’t you want to have more of your own?"

So when I reveal my infertility to people, they say, "Just adopt."  When I say that we’re going to adopt without first mentioning my infertility, they say, "Why would you do that?"  Why is that?  Is it only acceptable to adopt if you’re infertile?  Why do I have to justify our plan to adopt instead of continuing to pursue more and more aggressive and expensive fertility treatments (other than medicated IUIs)?  It’s coming up more often now that I’ve stopped saying "I’m infertile, so we don’t know when or if we’ll have another child" and simply started mentioning that we’re going to adopt.  And it bothers me.  A lot.


The other day, I mentioned that I’d gotten my first copy of Adoptive Families magazine.  Like I said, it made me feel a bit sad at first to feel so far away from meeting our children.  But then I started reading it and now I’m all enthusiastic about it again.  So much so that I got over the overwhelmed "Where do I start???" that I felt after getting the info from all the agencies who work with Ethiopia, and have finally requested information from all the agencies I could find that work with Vietnam.  We’ve received it from most of them and will start looking it over soon.

Actually, the magazine had a little blurb that makes me think more and more about Vietnam.  They mentioned a "giving and receiving ceremony" that’s done to formally relinquish the child to his or her adoptive parents.  What struck me about it was that they mentioned that the birthparents will sometimes come for this ceremony, though they are not required to do so.  I can’t even imagine having the possibility of meeting my child’s birthparents–how special would that be for us to meet them and for them to know that we are going to love our child and try to give him or her the life that they wanted for the baby?

There are so many options, so many things to consider for our next child, and it does feel overwhelming at first.  Choosing a country, choosing an agency, the mountains of paperwork, etc.  Not to mention the cost–and, as I’m pretty sure no bank will loan us the money for it since my student loans are coming due, we’ll be paying for it out-of-pocket.  Somehow, we’ll earn that money.  And we’ll bring our child home.


I’ve started a MySp@ce blog to help keep my family apprised of where we are in the adoption process.  I’m not going to give out the address here because I want to keep the two separate–they don’t know about this blog and I want it to stay that way.  (If you happen to look me up and add me as a friend, that’s fine but PLEASE don’t say anything about this blog.)  But I’ve decided to make it an infertile’s public service blog also, and have been posting ways for fertiles to avoid giving assvice to infertiles, what fertiles should expect when they get pregnant from their infertile friends, and the realities of fertility drugs.  I’ve got a pretty good start already but thought I’d ask you all for some advice.  What do you wish your fertile friends knew?  What do you wish they would/wouldn’t say?  If you’ve already adopted, what was the hardest part about the process, and what support do you wish you’d had?

Thanks for all the help!



  1. Fizzle said,

    hello! yay, international adoption! (and here fizzle silently intones to her friend in the blogosphere to adopt from ethiopia). no, kidding. so many choices when it comes to your family, you’ll come to some good decisions about which program/country is the right fit for you. if you ever do want to chat ethiopia, though, feel free to ping me: fizzle_mami@yahoo.com.
    you know, there is a certain justification people need for adoption. and i mean, even the most supportive people – i am constantly having to restate my reasons because, frankly, most people – if able – conceive. so i get that i’m in this niche of people who adopt. for the moment, i’m okay with being the public service campaign. i’m signing up for a lifetime of it, whether i want the responsibility or not.
    the one thing i’ve heard and makes sense to me is to use this time when being barraged with questions to primer yourself and family for all those comments/looks/questions to come. i’ve found that, even with no baby, i’m still becoming ferociously protective of babe ethiopique and am finding ways to answer in a strong, decisive voice about the appropriateness of questions on adoption or just how much i want to share, or guiding the conversation back to more appropriate levels of sharing (I mean, com’mon, you tell people you are adopting and suddenly a stranger has questions about your sex life?!)
    My rants almost over! I just wanted to say that 95% of family, friends, strangers think adoption is wonderful and that i’m wonderful and life is wonderful, blah blah blah…so if you can find a way for those annoying people to not bother you, more power to you!

  2. Spanglish said,

    There are so many things that fertiles do which bother me, it’s hard to think about everything I’d like to say. I would like unconditional friendship and patience, most of all. Sometimes I can’t stomach even talking to certain people because of of the stupidity that has previously spewed from their mouths, but it doesn’t mean I won’t ever talk to them again. I just get really tired of always educating people, so sometimes it’s easier to avoid them. Of course, I end up alienating myself, but honestly, I prefer being alienated than the other bullshit.

  3. Jennie said,

    Thanks for the info you gave me on my blog. It gives me a little bit of hope for the Met. I think I will inquire about the extended release.
    I’m glad you’re feeling excited about adoption. Sorry people just can’t seem to make up their minds on which way they want to offend you.
    So my worst hated question “Why are you going through all that fertility stuff, what’s wrong with the natural way?” Arhhh!!!! Yeah like I could get pregnant easily with plain ol’ sex but since I enjoy getting injected with hormones we thought we’d go that route instead!

  4. GZ said,

    I am happy to hear that you are moving forward.

  5. Jesspond said,

    Oooh, I so know about the fertile stupidity. Today a PREGNANT gal actually said to me after posting my plans for adoption of an infant….”Well, I know everyone wants a baby, but after you get yours, please adopt and older child, they need homes too.”
    I didn’t say anything. But SHE can adopt and OLDER CHILD after SHE gets HER baby, too. It’s not OUR job to adopt all the older waiting kids because we’re infertile.
    Ugh. Smile and nod, smile and nod, and tell yourself that people just don’t know, it’s not their fault. 🙂
    Good luck!

  6. Krista said,

    Oh God that could be a very long blog. I know it’s obvious by my absolute most hated comments always start with “my friend, my sister, my aunt, or I know this person…..” People just because it happened to one person does NOT mean it happens all the time or that the circumstances are even remotely similar.
    By the way, congrats on the 1st step.

  7. DD said,

    Have you selected an agency? If so, what considerations did you take into account before making your selection?
    We don’t have many options here so I’m feel like we would have to “settle” and I don’t want to do that.

  8. art-sweet said,

    Yeah Adoption! For whatever freakin’ reason, yeah adoption! If you’re not on there already, the adoption agency research yahoo group has a lot of great information about agencies to avoid…

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