July 7, 2006

Bissell, every parent’s best friend

Posted in Ramblings o' P at 10:41 am by Erin

How well do I understand how insensitive it is when a fertile says, "Oh, you want children?  Here, take mine and you’ll understand what you’re not missing."  You may also have figured out by now that P means more to me than the world.

With that said, there was a period of time yesterday afternoon when I was willing to sell him to the highest bidder.  Strangely enough, that period coincided with my discovery that he had found my manicure scissors, taken them out of the bathroom, and poked 30+ holes in our waterbed mattress.  And my subsequent discovery that, while manicure scissors have a tiny point, 30 tiny holes = a whole lot of water being lost from the bed.  And my next discovery that the plastic liner under the mattress has several holes in it which are allowing the lost water to drip onto the rug.  And my further discovery that our waterbed patch kit was empty.

J tried to patch the holes with superglue, which was a great idea and worked on many of them, but some of them were too big.  Naturally, bigger holes = more water coming out of the bed and dripping onto the floor.  Thank goodness for our Bissell–it’s essential equipment for parents and pet owners alike.

At this point, we’ve emptied the bed through a hose out of our window, so at least no more water is dripping onto the rug.  We’ve also discovered that the only waterbed dealer in the area (less than a 40 mile drive) is out of queen-sized waterbed liners and won’t have any more until Monday.

If you need us, we’ll be sleeping in the guest room.

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July 5, 2006

Oh, I’m SO terribly sorry…

Posted in The musings of Erin at 8:34 pm by Erin

That I’m not helping with this.

Basically, the article talks about how each woman is supposed to have 2.1 children to keep the country’s population stable and that we’re at 2.05 in the US.  Other countries are far worse, with Japan being at 1.25.  In France and Russia, they’re essentially paying people to have babies.  Yet almost NO ONE requires health insurance to cover infertility treatment.

I will add that many European countries do cover infertility treatment, including IVF, as part of their health insurance.  But people who want to use it wait for months to get appointments.  Do any of these countries think that maybe they should put some more money into developing larger infertility treatment programs so that the people who want babies can have them. 

We’ll assume that the majority of the population is fertile.  Given the countries’ birth rates, we can assume that the majority of the population is fine with having less than 2 children per couple.  Should children be told, "We had you because we were paid to have you?"  Wouldn’t at least some of that money be better spent on opening a few new clinics so that children can be told, "We had you because we wanted you more than anything we’ve ever wanted before."

Discuss.

I’ve found my smile today

Posted in Happiness is a true gift at 6:50 am by Erin

It brought with it pre-period bloating, but today I am smiling.  Our plans of last night couldn’t have made me any happier.  We went to the festival but the rides were for children older than P, so we wandered for a while, listened to the Van Halen cover band that was playing (I am a big VH fan and they were pretty good), and watched P play around some giant statues of horses to which he took a liking.  Then, since it looked like rain, we decided to go and get some dinner before finding a good place to sit for the fireworks.  Since we saw people already getting chairs and lining up for the fireworks outside the restaurants across the street, we ate over there and had a lovely time at dinner.

Then we went outside and sat on the grass for the fireworks.  P decided it was like a picnic but without food, so I gave him some G*ldfish crackers and he thought that was the best thing in the world.  He hopped around and played and talked about all the cars that were going by, and how the lights kept changing to RED and YELLOW and GREEN (he was very enthusiastic even after sitting there for an hour).  Oh, and the people with sparklers?  They just made his day.  It would have taken more depression than I had in me to keep from smiling while watching him. 

We chatted with the people sitting on either side of us.  I suspect one of them was another SIF person.  She was an older woman with a son who’s about our age and a new grandchild, so we chatted for a while about that and her nephew, who’s P’s age.  She asked if he was our only one and I replied, "So far."  She said that it would be nice to have more kids but if we only ever get the one, he can still fill up our hearts with joy.  I agreed–P was making us and everyone around us smile and laugh with his happy antics.

This was the first year we’ve taken P to the fireworks, so I had warned him that they might be a little loud but if he got scared, he only needed to give us a big hug and then he wouldn’t have to be scared anymore.  So he practiced a lot.  Fortunately we were far enough away that they weren’t particularly loud (I remember being a kid and watching from the riverfront, and they’d shoot them off from a barge in the middle of the river.  The percussion from each one would reverberate in our chests, and they were so close that they looked like they’d fall on you), just very pretty.  P kept saying "Ooh, wow!  Yay!" and clapping and telling us what colors they were.  It was a pretty spectacular show and we really enjoyed it. 

Then we went and sat in the car for nearly an hour (the rain started about 20 minutes after the fireworks ended) before it became clear that we weren’t getting out anytime soon, so we went back into the restaurant and had dessert.  At this point it was nearly 11 p.m., so P was up almost 3 hours past his bedtime.  He couldn’t have been a better kid.  He was happy and listened to us when we told him something.  Even when we were sitting in the car for an hour, he played with his MagnaD*odle, read a book, and played with some toys happily.

It was an ideal evening and I couldn’t have asked for a nicer one.  It brought back my smile.

I thank each and every one of you for your kind comments.  They really helped me feel better and not so alone in this journey.  I can’t imagine going through this whole process without the support of people who know what it’s like.

July 4, 2006

Procrastination pays off

Posted in TTC woes at 9:24 am by Erin

A month ago, I thought about planning a Fourth of July BBQ.  We haven’t had a good gathering of friends in months, so it seemed like a good idea at the time.  But I just kept putting it off and forgetting about it until about the last week.  Then I thought it was probably too late to do anything, so I gave up on the idea.

The timing of my cycle actually didn’t play a role, but now I’m really glad that I never got things going.  It would be an awfully big effort to be preparing the house and food when all I want to do is take a nap or lose myself in a mindless book.  We’re going to go out to a celebration later, with kids’ rides and festival foods and fireworks, but if I don’t feel like smiling, no one else there knows me, so who cares?

I don’t think I was completely prepared for this IUI to fail.  Not as much as I expected the last few Clomid cycles to fail, anyway.  I was a little surprised when the doctor told me that my cervical mucous looked good and we should also have sex to get some more sperm in position for ovulation, since I’d mostly convinced myself that cervical mucous was the problem.  But maybe that wasn’t it.  I know my lining was thinner than they would have preferred as of the u/s 5 days before the IUI, but maybe it fluffed up in that time.  Now I just don’t know what to think.

This is reinforcing my belief that I am nowhere near mentally ready for doing IVF.  Not that we’re at that stage anyway, but if I’m having this much trouble handling the failure of a Clomid/IUI cycle, the failure of an IVF cycle would pretty much make me a mumbling, sobbing lump on the bed.

I’m glad we’re taking this cycle off.  Yesterday, I talked to nurse L to cancel tomorrow’s beta and when she talked about getting me set up for the next u/s and getting my Rx for Clomid, my brain tried to scream "Yes, let’s make that appointment!"  But I told her that we’re taking a cycle off so that I can focus on my new job (assuming I get one).  I think I need to mentally prepare for the next IUI cycle a little better, as well.

While I was out jogging this morning (yes, I’m keeping up with that and have even picked up the pace a bit, and not feeling nearly so sore already), I saw a tiny rabbit.  I smiled and thought about how cute it was, and then my traitorous ever-hopeful mind thought "Hey, maybe some of its legendary fertility will rub off on me!"

I’m pathetic.

July 2, 2006

Abandon hope, all ye who enter here

Posted in TTC woes at 5:12 pm by Erin

With "ye" being 37 million of J’s sperm and "here" being my uterus.

Spotting.  Bright red spotting.  11dpIUI is strangely remniscent of 9dpo.

Chances are good I won’t be wasting a test in the morning.  Or have to drive across town on Wednesday.  Or be having a baby next spring.  Just like I didn’t this spring.  Or last winter.  Or fall.  Or summer.  And won’t be this fall.  Or this winter.

Just like usual.

July 1, 2006

Unusual symptoms

Posted in TTC woes at 6:36 am by Erin

I know I shouldn’t post this post, I know I’m tempting the fates, but…

I might be pregnant

Now, before you get all excited, let me explain why this might be the case.  Aside from the weird dizziness and nipple poke-through that were indicative of my pregnancy with P (but have occasionally shown up other times as well, like both of the possible chemical pregnancies), here’s the kicker:

I lost a game of chess to J last night.  The only time I have ever lost a game of chess to J was once while I was pregnant with P.  When I lost my queen after only 5 moves to a completely stupid move, J looked at me and said "Now I believe you might actually be pregnant."  After I lost the game, which happened after yet another stupid move, I told him that if I’m not pregnant, I don’t know which will be more difficult to accept: the fact that I’m not pregnant or the fact that I lost a game of chess while not pregnant.

See, my chess playing skills are pretty good.  I learned from my dad, who learned while he was in prison* from a chess master who was there for murdering someone.  So my dad’s pretty good and I have been known to beat even him upon rare occasion.  J got me our chess set, a beautiful marble chess set, for our first anniversary when we couldn’t afford anything–but he knew that was something that I’d really like to have.  Lest you think that we, as a J.D. and a Ph.D., are even bigger nerds than we really are, I will say that we don’t play often but when we do, I am invariably the winner.  Except that one game while I was pregnant with P and last night.

Therefore, it is clear that I must be pregnant now and that there is no other explanation for why I lost that game.

If anyone needs me, I will be out buying baby clothes**.

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* My dad has never done anything illegal, aside from occasional pot-smoking in the ’60’s that he still denies (but we have it on good authority from my aunt that it happened).  He’s a librarian, and his first job out of school was working as the librarian at the maximum-security prison about 40 miles from my parents’ house.  But his loving children, and occasionally his loving wife of 33 years, prefer to just say that he was in prison, and leave it at that.

** For the record, I used a peestick a couple of days ago to make sure that the trigger is out of my system and it is.  So I will wait until Monday (12dpIUI) to use a peestick for real, unnecessary though it obviously is, and even though I didn’t get an extremely faint positive with P until 13dpo.  But I have 3 tests and will use them all!  Unless I start spotting, which I would expect any minute if I weren’t pregnant.  But I am, so it doesn’t matter.

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Updated to add: I was asked earlier in the week if I’d post results when I get them and if so, if IRL people can call me that day.  At the time, I was considering waiting, but I’ve since decided I’ll post them when and if there’s anything to report.  Which (in all seriousness) I doubt, given our track record so far.  But you’re welcome to call me either way.

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