July 20, 2008

My heart still breaks

Posted in The musings of Erin at 8:39 pm by Erin

I belong to a large internet group that posts about Ethiopian adoptions.  Today, someone posted about a little boy with CP who needs a family.

It is M.  Our first referral.  The one we couldn’t accept.  He still doesn’t have a family, and my heart is wrenching in my chest to know that.  I already knew it because I check our agency’s waiting child list sometimes, but to see it posted so publicly, to know that no one has applied to adopt this beautiful little boy…it rips my heart to pieces.

I think about M frequently.  P calls M his “other brother”.  Every time I see his listing, I wish there were some way we could work it out.  I feel like it’s our failing as people that we can’t or aren’t willing to adopt a child who needs so much help.

A part of me feels like, now that I’ve had 6+ months to think about him, that we could somehow work it out.  But I can’t even imagine how I would ever try to explain to him that we didn’t think we could handle it, that we said no.  Because, even if I had no intention of saying such a thing, P remembers.  P knows his face, his beautiful little face.  And somehow it would come out.  But what if he was also meant to be ours?  What if that’s the reason he hasn’t yet found a family?  And we’re just not stepping up to the plate.

I think about him so often.  When we turned down his referral, we were told that there was another family who would be given the referral and was ready for this diagnosis.  I don’t know whether there really was another family and they just told us that to make us feel better, or if the other family decided that it wasn’t something they could do, but I do know that M still waits, 9 months after we got his referral.  He spent his third birthday in the care center.  I don’t know where he is, but I know it’s not with all the other children of his age (because I asked the families in our travel group who adopted children of that age if they’d seen a boy with his description).

I just wish he had a family.  And I wish we could be that family.



  1. JessPond said,

    Oh Erin.
    I’m sorry.
    It’s so hard and there’s no advice to give because maybe you ARE meant to have him. But just as equally maybe you were meant to turn his referral down and were meant to facilitate the waiting so that the perfect family for him COULD FIND HIM. So hard thogh, no matter what.
    Hugs, hun. I’m just sorry.

  2. Samantha said,

    I’m sorry too. You did what you thought was best, and there are no easy answers in this situation.

  3. sky girl said,

    Oh Erin. How heart wrenching this is.
    Thinking of you.

  4. Aunt Becky said,

    I’m thinking of you as well.

  5. My Reality said,

    There is a family that will be right for him. And while he is waiting, he is loved by you.

  6. Laura said,

    There are no words to offer but my love to give you have. It is never easy to make such decisions but I know you believe that decisions are made for us and there is a plan. Continue to have faith in that belief with respect to this sweet little boy who has a family set aside for him just as P and K did, and do.

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