February 26, 2009

I’m going through a rough patch

Posted in TTC woes at 9:06 am by Erin

Facebook pregnancy announcement–ouch.  Not due until October and they're already announcing it on Facebook.  Especially when it's someone expecting their third baby.  And their first was born when P was 20 months old.  They've managed to conceive and will ostensively give birth to three babies in the time that we've been trying to get pregnant with just one keeper, which is quite a downer.  But it's also depressing since it's someone I genuinely like a lot, and I don't want to feel this way.

It doesn't help that it was coupled by a surprise period earlier this week.  I was somewhere around d37 of my cycle and didn't think I'd ovulated yet.  That was still within my normal range and my biggest concern was that I would likely get my period while in Florida with the kids for spring break.  I happened to walk down the aisle at the grocery store that had tampons and decided to pick some up so that I would have them in a couple of weeks.

And then I got my period that night.

Either I ovulated ridiculously early for me (around d24) and didn't realize it, despite normally getting REALLY-obvious-impossible-to-mistake-for-anything-else ovulation pains…or I had an anovulatory cycle.  I've only ever had one before.  The early ovulation is possible since I'm on metformin, but for the fact that my ovulation pains have been strong enough to wake me up in the past and I doubt that I just didn't notice them.

I don't actually expect to get pregnant on my own again, but there's always that little voice.  That annoying little voice that whispers that anything's possible.  The one that reminds me that it took nothing more than metformin to get pregnant with P.  The one that reminds me that I managed to get pregnant about 10 months ago without even metformin, even if it did end in miscarriage.   I manage to tune it out most of the time, or not let it get to me, but this time it did.  And I haven't been able to tune it out since then.

Why do I feel like it's self-indulgent to want to do IVF?  I've already got a child through birth.  Why should I feel so guilty that I want that experience again?  I've already got a child through adoption.  Why should I feel so guilty that we might pursue a different path for our next child?

For a while I was in a decent place, where I thought that we'd do IVF and if it didn't work, it would be sad but not devastating.  That was a good place, the right mindset for IVF for me.  After all, my mindset is probably the biggest reason we haven't done IVF in the past–if it didn't work, we wouldn't be able to pursue adoption (for financial reasons), and that might have broken me.  The idea of parenting again was a stronger lure than the possibility of getting pregnant.  And that was a good way to go into K's adoption.

So why does it feel wrong that I have gone back the other way?  That the possibility of getting pregnant is a bigger draw than parenting again?  I think part of it is financial–if IVF doesn't work this time, we will still be able to afford to adopt reasonably soon afterwards.  Last time it was an either/or situation.  Part of the guilt also comes from our 1-year family day coming up next week.  How can I care about birthing a child when we've gained so much joy and happiness through adoption a year ago?

But my oldest baby is past 5 years old.  The voice that urges me to carry and birth another baby has never gone away, not once in those 5+ years.  It's been muted.  It's been quiet and whispery.  But it's getting louder lately.  I don't WANT it to be loud.  I want to stomp my feet and say "GO AWAY!"  I want to curl up and cry and plead with it to go away.  I want to beg.  But I know it won't listen.

Why does it weigh on me so heavily?  Why can't I just accept that I won't give birth again and let it go?  How is it so easy to KNOW that adoption again would be wonderful, and still feel this incredible desire to give birth?

Rational, it is not.  But it's what I feel.

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11 Comments »

  1. My Reality said,

    I am sorry you are in a rough spot right now.
    Facebook has thrown me a few doozies as well.

  2. DD said,

    That’s why I’m glad 97% of my facebook contacts are fellow bloggers. The other 3%? My OLDER sisters.
    I think it’s the a very visceral “want what we can’t (or don’t) have”.
    Even now, whenever I see a woman who’s pregnant, my gut tightens up. I worry that I’ll be feeling it for years.

  3. A'Dell said,

    I only had my first child last October, but hours after she was born I knew I wanted to do it again.
    It’s almost like, once you know what you’re missing, it becomes that more acute. Which is so stupid considering what I went through to have ONE child (18 months of infertility hell)…you’d think I would be grateful and just be happy. And that’s something I thought about when I was just One More Cycle away. “Just one. I’ll be satisfied.”
    But babies are wonderful. And being pregnant is wonderful. Don’t feel guilty for one moment to want it all again.
    It’s the sort of thing that you live to do.

  4. JessPond said,

    Oh man, man, man….I could have written this. Except, you know, different details.
    I feel that way, too…I have two wonderful kids, why push it? Will it affect Ava to think we WANT bio kids MORE or something? We don’t! But I want…to do it again. We continually “do” with Ava’s adoption, and we know we can’t do justice to another open dom adoption (which is our preference) and so we won’t adopt again. But there’s something in me that says…again! One more time! Again!
    However there’s another voice that says “are you NUTS? it’s a line you don’t want to cross again!”
    Don’t feel guilty for however you want to build your family. Do what is right for you and screw it if people don’t like it or judge you.

  5. Artblog said,

    Well, as you know by now, anything possible! and that is early to be announcing anything especially on facebook!

  6. Emily said,

    Erin. I’m so sorry. It’s not crazy to want to be pregnant again; I want that and I am aware that last time it took over 250 needle sticks and cost as much as we paid down on our house to achieve just the one pregnancy and it will probably be the same if there is a next time. You’re in my thoughts and prayers-I’m sure it’s not easy living there in town with EVERYONE having a baby. The one positive about finding out via Facebook is that it’s so much easier to say the “right” thing without having to actually exchange e-mails or calls that make you want to stab out your own eyes. Or maybe that’s just me…

  7. Rebel said,

    I so feel your post here Erin, and I can tell you that I felt the pull a week after Turtle was born… a week… I thought I was delirious from not sleeping, but it has only gotten stronger and stronger. It sucks that it won’t go away, because it does hurt and confuse more then anything… ugh. Hang in there sweetie!!!

  8. Betty M said,

    I’m not sure I will ever stop yearning for another one even though realistically it won’t happen – I don’t want more IVF, I doubt at almost 42 we will get another natural miracle plus I doubt I could cope.I think part of it is resenting that I never really had a choice over my reproductive life once I knew I wanted kids.

  9. lucky2 said,

    I think it is one of those horrible IF scars. You pine to be pregnant for so long that even when you are happy with your family, you still pine to be pregnant and have another baby. Even though I know our family needs to be done, I still would love to be pregnant with ONE baby one more time…and enjoy it and not worry the whole time! Ridiculous!
    But, unlike Octomom, I know my limits.

  10. Courtney Burton said,

    Hey! I’ve been sick and was waiting until I felt with it enough to write something wise and comforting and encouraging, etc. But I am not sure when eloquent and lucid will be on the horizon, so I wanted to post a little support and love your way.
    I remember writing a letter for you and J when you were working with the adoption agency and I remember writing that any child lucky enough to be in your family would be so richly blessed. I still believe that with every fiber in me. And I know you wanted a big family all along. So yearning for another child doesn’t seem off. And, I don’t think you are being selfish WHATEVER way you want to build your family.
    You are wise and you are very good at self-reflection. You aren’t at the point where you think your family needs to be done. Wanting to do IVF to be pregnant again does NOT make you selfish. Does NOT suggest K is any lesser. When you arrive at the course of action that YOU AND J want to do for YOUR family, trust that and don’t beat yourself up and be hard on yourself and second guess all the other options you didn’t do.
    You are a wonderful mom with two loved and loving boys and you have such a wonderful sense of family and what you want to imbue to your kiddos. We are all better off with people like you in the world raising up the next generation.
    Anyway, that’s my long and rambly post.
    Thinking of you,
    Court

  11. Jitters/Enat said,

    Go with your gut. Been there, done that on this one as you know 🙂 You want to add to your family through pregnancy, then do it. You are not selfish, just human. Just a mother.
    I currently have no desire to be pregnant. I cringed when someone suggested it to me just last week, BUT, I remember quite vividly how strong that feeling was. It controls and drives you. It does not go away on its own. Don’t hate yourself for feeling something so very natural. I know that the means do not always align with the desire and for that I am sorry, but your heart may be telling you that you need to try something.


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