July 30, 2010

Thoughts in my head now

Posted in Uncategorized at 10:27 pm by Erin

1. I really hate cramps.  They were gone for almost 2 weeks, and now I’m having them intermittently again.  I’m really sure my body barely tolerates pregnancy.  I just hope it will tolerate this one for another 30 weeks or so.

2. My fortune cookie tonight said “You will be offered unexpected amounts of support next week.  Accept it graciously.”  I opened it and my immediate thought was “I’m going to lose the baby…that’s why I’ll need so much support next week.”  Combined with the cramps, I’m feeling rather superstitious in a terrible way.*

3. That J finally understands why I’m not ready to tell people, despite my joking about “Can I tell people now?” with him.  I told him tonight that I remember how hard it was on everyone when we had to explain that we’d refused M’s referral, especially how devastating it was for P.  I said that if I can protect others from feeling that pain just by waiting a reasonable amount of time to tell them, then how can I not do that?  I explained that it’s not like I’m planning to wait until 35 weeks or anything, just through this trimester.  He finally seemed to get it.

4. That my cousin had a m/c at 14 weeks with her first baby.  The end of the 1st trimester doesn’t feel nearly safe enough, but I’ll try to get as comfortable as possible with the idea of telling by then.

5. I’m really fortunate in the styles available now.  I really needed some larger shirts to hide my belly, which I can easily pass off as having gained some extra weight (as I’ve gained 2 1/2 lbs in the last 2 weeks…with a baby the size of an olive).  I found a couple of perfect ones today that are those A-line ones that gather under the chest and then flow out.  Normal shirts, bought in a normal section of Koh.l’s, but excellent for hiding anything.  I flat-out refuse to go into maternity clothes before the end of this trimester—you can’t hide a pregnancy if you’re in maternity clothes.

6. I’m feeling so lucky every single day that NBHHY.  And very freaked out that I don’t have another appt until August 16th.  That’s still more than 2 weeks away!

7.  That tomorrow marks 9 weeks.  Officially longer than the last pregnancy.

*In the interest of trying to pretend that DBTs don’t happen constantly, I’ve decided that the “unexpected support” will be that my secondary department chair will call and say “We happen to have an extra iP.ad.  I know you won’t be teaching the course in the spring, but would you like it anyway?”  Because that’s a much happier thought 🙂

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6 Comments »

  1. Brea said,

    I remember a friend who had struggled with infertility telling me that many women who have struggled to get pregnant or remain pregnant aren’t able to begin feeling confident that they’re really going to have a baby until they reach about 20 weeks. It makes sense to me, and I’m sure anxious thoughts and feelings are going to be part of the journey. I pray that the farther you go, the joy and anticipation will begin to outweigh the anxiety. Keeping you in my prayers!

    Also, just had a thought – have you ever been to an ultrasound school? I haven’t, but I’ve heard they exist and it’s a place you can go for an ultrasound pretty much whenever you want one.

  2. Brea said,

    …for a fee, though, I’m sure!

  3. JessPond said,

    Keep on keeping on!! 🙂

  4. Courtney said,

    So much to juggle emotionally at this time! Thinking of you and keeping you and the wee little one in prayer!

    Great that J is really getting it and great that you have comfy but nonmaternity clothes now in your wardrobe!

    Love you much!

    ~C

  5. My Reality said,

    NBHHY. Make it your mantra and quit reading the fortunes in cookies. 🙂

  6. electriclady said,

    I think the unexpected amounts of support could also come, say, in the form of comments on a blog post about feeling anxious about this pregnancy. 🙂

    NBHH. Ditch the Y. Big hugs to you.


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