August 24, 2010

No taking it back now

Posted in Uncategorized at 11:11 pm by Erin

We told the kids tonight.  I am still freaking out, because that was the point of no return.  Part of me really wishes we could take it back but there’s no way to do that.  It’s out now.  We’re still going to wait to tell our families and many of our friends, and I’m hoping that P won’t tell too many of his friends on the street (because their moms are in the “tell later” group).  But if he does, then so be it.  We weren’t going to say anything to them quite yet but there was a very obviously easy transition in something the kids were saying tonight and I asked J “Should we tell?”  He said only if I wanted to, so I took a deep breath and told them that there is a baby in my belly and they will be getting a baby brother or sister in March.

I’m not sure how I expected them to react, but P was thrilled and K wasn’t quite sure what it meant.  P said that my belly isn’t big enough to have a baby and I told him that it’ll get a lot bigger before the baby’s ready to come out.  K was surprised to hear that he’ll be a big brother this time and loved the idea that he’ll be both a big brother and little brother.  P likes the idea of having two little siblings.  P is lobbying for a girl because he already has a little brother, and K wants a little brother.  I told them that one of them will be getting what they want.

Then K wanted to “See my baby book!”, which is his lifebook from Ethiopia—it has pictures of his firstmom, her home, him in the care centers, etc.  We spent a good 20 minutes looking through it.  He’s only recently started showing interest in it, and he’s only ever asked for it once before—and that was at a time when we were already talking about his firstmom.  This was the first time he’s asked for it out-of-the-blue.  And then he saw a picture in there of an Ethiopian man and said “That my daddy?”  I was a little confused and pointed to J and said “No, Daddy’s over there,” but he said “No, like Aachie (the word we use for his firstmom)”.  I’ve never, ever heard him ask about his firstdad before.  This is around the age that kids are supposed to get curious about their first families, and I’ve often heard that it’s the firstmom they ask about—that it can be years before they ask about their firstdads.  Maybe it’s because we’ve always been so open about K’s firstmom that he doesn’t really question that.  Who knows?  In any event, it was really hard to tell him that we don’t have any pictures of his firstdad because he died when K was a tiny baby.  K asked “Why he died?” and I explained that he got really sick.  We talked about that for a little while.  He seems so little to be asking these questions but our policy is to keep things open and answer things in an age-appropriate way so that he’ll always know we will answer anything he asks as best we can.

While we were looking at his lifebook, P finished his homework and came over to look also.  Then he touched my belly and said “Hi baby!”  It was ridiculously sweet. 

And all I can think is “I hope I haven’t just set them up for a crushing disappointment.”   My doppler came today and I could only find my own heartbeat when I tried after the kids went to bed.  I’m reminding myself that it’s the kind my midwife said is only really good after 14 weeks and I’m only 12w3d today, and that’s helping some, but what if we told the kids only to have to take it back and break their hearts?  I will never forgive myself for that.

************************************

I’m still saying nothing on FB or at work yet.  It will come out slowly since my “It’s not really obvious” wardrobe is rapidly becoming my “Wow, she’s getting kind of fluffy” wardrobe.  So if we’re FB friends, please don’t mention it yet.

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3 Comments »

  1. JessPond said,

    LOL at “getting kind of fluffy” wardrobe! ha!

    Terrifying to even think of telling the kids, and mine are too young to be truly disappointed. But man….terrifying. Though personally I can’t think past tomorrow just yet anyhow!

    Things are going well for you. I think that chances are things are fine, you know? Don’t worry too much about it. Kids are resilient if the worst happens, and it’s not likely TO happen. At 9w after hearing the hb, it’s something ridiculous like 1/2% m/c rate. Really. Things are probably just fine.

    As for the doppler…when I was early, (got the doppler and it was usable at 13w1d) I had to go really low….lower than I’d have expected, and I was pretttty in tune with my uterus at that point! lol Also, full bladder helps. And lots of gel.

  2. Brea said,

    Wow, you’re at 12 weeks! That’s really great, but I can see how your past experiences would make it hard to celebrate just yet. I think getting the doppler is a brilliant idea. Hopefully it will help to alleviate anxious feelings along the way, and I think it’s fine to wait as long as you need to in order to feel comfortable before telling the world. I’ll continue to keep it quiet, and continue praying for a healthy pregnancy. Hugs to you!

  3. karen said,

    When my son asked about his birthmom the other night, he finally and for the first time ever, mentioned a birthfather. It’s sad that all I have for him is what the social worker told us and we can only assume it’s true. In any case, I thought I was prepared but found out to the contrary, I was so not prepared. Later many tears…mine.


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