July 3, 2013

Six days…

Posted in Uncategorized at 10:06 am by Erin

My appointment with my midwives is in 6 days. I’ve been told that I’ll probably be sent over to the ultrasound place right from there so that they can do a u/s and date where I am. By dates, I’m 8 weeks today. I think I’m closer to 7 based on when I actually started feeling symptoms, but I guess we’ll see in a week. I’m definitely “puffier” than I was at this point with either of my successful pregnancies. I’m utterly exhausted much of the time. I’m dealing with a lot of nausea, which is likely a combination of pregnancy and adjusting to Metformin again. Can’t drink plain water, like my pregnancy with E—fortunately, I went strawberry picking a few weeks ago and froze over a gallon of thinly-sliced strawberries, so I throw a bunch of them in each time I refill my water bottle (I always have one in the fridge, infusing with strawberry, while I’m drinking the other one). I’m considering how to wean E because I’m so sore when she nurses, plus the idea of tandem nursing doesn’t really appeal to me. I wouldn’t mind having a few months of having my boobs to myself before starting to nurse another one. At the same time, my cynicism says “What if I wean her and then miscarry, and I’ve weaned her for nothing?” On the other hand, she is almost 2 1/2—she’s had a pretty good run with this and even though the Metformin doesn’t seem to be making her sick like it did with P, it would be OK to be finished. But then I think that she really enjoys it,  and we really only nurse when she wakes up and goes to bed, so why not keep going for a while? Eh, I’ll keep thinking about it. Maybe she’ll decide she’s done soon. I’ve heard that a fair number of kids do that when the milk changes during pregnancy.

We were at a family reunion over the weekend. It was a really great weekend and we had a lot of fun. It wasn’t even challenging not to drink, since there were so many people and so many options. Not throwing up was a challenge, but not drinking was easy. It took a huge toll on my energy, though. J ended up driving 9 of the 10 1/2 hours home. Yesterday, the fact that I managed to run (more of a 3.3-mile slow plod, really), grocery shop with all three kids, and cook dinner last night was nothing short of a miracle. I have no intention of doing that again today. Today’s for replacing a light fixture in the kids’ bathroom and vacuuming before my brother gets here tonight.

There are times when I’m not sure how I’m going to manage to have four kids. We’ve wanted four kids since before we were married, but giving birth to this last one wasn’t in the plans. The 7+ year spread between P and E seems huge. There’s going to be a 10+ year spread between P and this newest one. I gave birth to P when I was 25. If all goes well, I’ll give birth to this one when I’m 36. I don’t know where we’re going to put this one, and especially don’t know what I’ll do if this one (like E) won’t sleep in a crib. We had a guest bed when E was a baby, so I could co-sleep on that. Now, that room is E’s and we have a twin mattress in there. Our bed is a waterbed, so I can’t co-sleep on it. We got rid of our glider rocker. I got rid of every one of my maternity clothes and almost all of our newborn baby clothes (boy and girl). We still have some of our bigger things, like the crib and high chair, but another newborn really wasn’t in the plan. At times, it makes me feel exhausted to think about having to go through all the newborn stages again.

And then, oh the guilt!

We tried for so long to get pregnant with P, then even longer with E (if you include the time on both sides of K’s adoption, it was over 5 years before achieving E’s successful pregnancy). How can I possibly be at all upset that I managed to get pregnant this time without any of that? Without a single doctor’s visit! Without wands or medicines or tests! In the privacy of our own home!

But I kind of am. I’ll get through it, I know I will. It’s exciting that, if all goes well, we’ll get to celebrate the arrival of another family member in February. I’m just trying to readjust my plans. In my mind, we waited another year or two and then adopted another older girl between the ages of K and E—preferably from Ethiopia but we were open to other options to ensure an ethical adoption, given Ethiopia’s current corruption problems. E was going to be the youngest and so every stage with her was the last time I’d experience it, and I was OK with that. I was particularly OK with the fact that E is potty-trained for days (and almost at night) and YAY, no more diapers!!! Since we would adopt older, we would never have to travel with multiple giant carseats when flying to visit my ILs. (I actually have no idea how that’s going to work—two Britaxes and four kids to manage in an airport?!) We’d put bunk beds into E’s room for she and her sister to share a room.

Now? It’s all muddled, and I’m not a person who deals easily with changing plans midstream. It seems so ridiculous and selfish and ungrateful, and I know it is. I was looking forward to running a half-marathon with a friend later this year—that’s going to have to wait, and the idea of going back to being a lump and out-of-shape isn’t one that I like. All of our friends are done having babies; in fact, most of them were done before we had E, so they’ve moved on past this infant stage. This year is going to be a tough year professionally anyway—I’m up for tenure (not sure how wanting to be out for 3 months as they’re making that decision will work), my department chair just left and our interim one really needed a smooth year (this is going to dramatically ruffle her year since she and I are the only ones who teach certain bio classes; her schedule is reduced with her new responsibilities, putting more of the burden on me), J’s law practice is not going well, etc. Now we’re adjusting to this new reality. It will be great, it really will. It’s just a big change in mindset. I hate feeling this way. I want to just be thrilled and excited, and those thoughts ARE in there, but there are all these others also. I just need to work through this period of rearranging my vision of the future.


1 Comment »

  1. You don’t need to feel guilty, Erin. {hugs} this is a huge change and like you said, it will require adjusting. I don’t do well with changing plans either, so I get it.

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