April 18, 2010

I fake it well, don’t I?

Posted in Uncategorized at 10:48 pm by Erin

That all sounded fabulous, didn’t it?  So well-adjusted, so accepting, so mature.  At the time that I typed it, that’s how I truly felt.

I spend Sunday mornings in Sta.rbucks.  P is in Sunday school at our synagogue, which is 25 minutes away from our house, and it’s not worth it to drive there and drop him off, drive home, and then drive back again 3 hours later to pick him up.  So I sit in Sta.rbucks drinking hot chocolate or cider or iced tea and doing work.  It’s actually a great way to be sure that I have some uninterrupted time on the weekends to get work done without really interfering with my family’s schedule.  I don’t have internet access there (actually, I’m writing this here in Word but won’t be able to post until I get home) and I’m pretty good at tuning out other people, so there are few distractions.

Today, it was going pretty well.  I decided to treat myself to a slide of banana-chocolate chip bread because I’m not feeling great and chocolate is always good.  I was getting lots of work done.  A couple came in with a baby, an 8-week old little girl as I later learned, and I was actually OK.  They sat right next to me and I thought she was adorable, went back to work, and it was OK…until another woman came over and started gushing.  “Oh, she is just adorable!  I see a baby that age and I think I miss it but I’m OK with being done with it but I still miss it.”  And on, and on about everything baby for almost 10 minutes.

The longer it went the closer to tears I became.  I’m through that stage and have been for years, and I’m NOT OK with being done with it.  I never thought I wouldn’t have the chance to do it again.  It took 18 months to get pregnant with P; an eternity at the time, and a drop in the bucket compared to the almost 6 years since we went off birth control after he was born.  I used to wonder how people could stand it but somehow, it just happens.  Time passes and it’s been almost 6 years.  It’s been 2 years since I had the miscarriage, two years in which I’ve had several chemical pregnancies but never gone beyond that.

Sometimes I can’t stand it.  There’s nothing else to be done, but I just cannot stand it.

We’ll be starting our Clomid/IUI cycle next month after I get my period.  If (when) that doesn’t work, I’ll go on BCP until we start IVF in July/August.  It’s time to start moving forward, because I can’t keep going like this forever.

A last word: “Definitive”

Posted in Uncategorized at 8:48 am by Erin

That was fun.  I haven’t had a chemical pregnancy in months.  I started bleeding last night.  I spotted for about an hour, then went to full-on bleeding accompanied by some hefty cramps.  My temperature was down to 97.2 this morning and the bleeding and cramps are still around, though thankfully the cramps have eased up a bit.

I had finally allowed myself to get pretty excited, especially when I was so exhausted yesterday afternoon that I took a 3 1/2 hour nap.  I had finally told myself to stop looking at the potential negatives and to start embracing the reality.  After all, I was at a minimum 16dpo–but when I wasn’t second-guessing myself, I was 18dpo.  I never go beyond 13dpo normally.  I was considering how I would avoid letting my girlfriends realize that I wasn’t drinking when we go out on Tuesday (my plan: get there 10 minutes early, get a virgin drink, and ask the waitress to bring the same when I’m done with that one).  I was thinking about how much fun it would be to tell my ILs when we go on a cruise with them this summer (I would be just past the first trimester, so it would be right when I’d be ready to start telling).  I was thinking about so many things.

I want to be angry and sad.  I want to want to scream and yell and cry.  It seems like that’s what I should be doing.  Instead, I feel mostly numb and vaguely depressed.  I don’t know if it’s because we do have a plan, or because there just comes a saturation point of sadness associated with being broken.  It’s probably both, and more.  I am so lucky to have my family.  We took the kids to a movie last night and K sat on my lap for a large part of it.  While we were watching it, the cramps were at their worst.  I sat there, uterus in severe pain, with a sweet and adorable little boy on my lap.  I would breathe in the scent of his hair when the pain was at its worst, and just think that I’m so blessed to have this little boy in my life.  It reminded me that even if I never get pregnant again, adoption has been such a wonderful choice for our family that I know it’s an excellent choice for the future also.

I am so glad we have P.  If I never get to experience a pregnancy again, a take-home baby again, I do have one.  I did get those experiences, and I don’t have any regrets.  We will do IVF but even if it doesn’t work, I still won because I do have my baby.

I am fortunate beyond all words to have J.  I had debated not telling him at all but he knew something was wrong yesterday but he knew.  So I told him last night when the kids were in bed.  He held me.  He said the right things.  He said some of the wrong things, too, but it was mostly right and I know it all came from a place of caring.  He doesn’t think it’s selfish to spend the money on IVF.  He said he’s behind me 100%, and I know it’s true.  He’s the best of husbands.

So overall score for the cycle: pregnancy = none.  Erin = lucky even so.

April 17, 2010

A word for Saturday: “Mindfuck”

Posted in Uncategorized at 8:55 am by Erin

And since I rarely swear beyond “damn”, that one’s serious.  Let’s review the facts of the week:

1. Negative test on Monday when I thought I was 17dpo clued me in to the fact that I was only 10-12dpo (OK 12, but I’m totally second-guessing everything at this point).

2. Spotted after my annual gyn exam on Monday and was sure that it would continue, but it stopped.

3. Thought about testing on Wednesday due to symptoms of hot flashes, dizziness, sore nipples, and lack of spotting at 12-14dpo. (OK fine, 14!)

4. Temped on Thursday to see if it was a good idea and found normal temp for post-ovulation of 97.7.  Got too scared of seeing a negative and didn’t test.

5. Had a scant bit of internal red spotting on Thursday, not enough to get the TP.

6. Had a scant bit of internal spotting on Friday, 14-16dpo (16).  Temperature dropped 0.3 degrees to 97.4, typical for right before I get my period, and I decided that there was no point in testing.

7. Spotting stopped before noon on Friday.  Had a hot flash and nipples are still sore.  Also had some cramping.

8. Convinced that I wasn’t pregnant, had a glass of wine and a lovely time with my husband last night.  Had some cramping afterwards but no spotting.

9. Woke up at 4:30 a.m. and temped.  97.4, same as yesterday.  Vaguely remembered the rules of charting which was that if you woke up early, you added 0.5 degrees for each 1/2 hour until your normal wake-up time.  Always thought it was a stupid rule, but would put me at an adjusted temp of 97.8.

10. Woke up at 6:30 and temped.  97.9, which is  0.5 degrees higher than yesterday and higher than my normal body temperature of 97.6.

11.  Decided that unless I am actively spotting heavily by tomorrow, or my temp is way down tomorrow (97.2 seems to be my limit for when I get my period), I will be testing tomorrow a.m.

12.  Spending the rest of today going slightly batty.

April 16, 2010

And the last word of the week is “spot”

Posted in Uncategorized at 1:32 pm by Erin

Barely had the smallest amount of spotting yesterday, but since I spotted at the beginning of my pregnancy with P, I was trying hard to pretend that’s what it was.

My temp dropped this morning.  I didn’t bother to test.  Still the same smallest amount of spotting but it will get worse.


April 15, 2010

And today’s word is “chicken”

Posted in Uncategorized at 8:15 am by Erin

I feel completely normal today and couldn’t bear to test.  My nipples are sensitive but not sore anymore, I’m not dizzy or nauseated.  I’m psyching myself out of testing.  I did take my temperature and it was a perfectly normal post-ovulatory temperature.  It wasn’t anything special, and that’s kind of why I decided not to test.  When I was 13dpo with P, my temp went up from its normal (i.e. exactly what it was today) to about 0.4 degrees higher, and that was why I tested that day.  Oh, I know that isn’t predictive and it hasn’t dropped to where it normally drops when I’m about to get my period and I should have tested…but I couldn’t bring myself to see a second negative in a week.

I’ve been talking myself out of being reasonably sure of when I ovulated.  I’m *pretty* sure it was the Wednesday after I came back from San Francisco, which would make me 15dpo today and I would certainly test if I were sure that I was 15dpo.  But I’m not only not sure, I’ve now got myself convinced that it was over a week after I came back.  It’s stupid because that would have been last week, and I know it wasn’t last week.  I know it was the week before and even if it were the Saturday after I came back, I should still be spotting by now.

I’m completely hyperaware of my uterus.  It’s ridiculous and I’m not sure if it’s because I’m thinking about it so much or if it’s because it really does feel slightly different than normal.  It feels…noticeable.  I’ve never noticed it when it wasn’t actively cramping before, so maybe if I’d thought about it this much I would have noticed it at other times.  I do occasionally feel weird cramp-like sensations and am always sure that I’m spotting when that happens.  But I’m not.

And I’ve now made this such a big deal that I’m not sure how I’ll get through the day.  Will I be able to bring myself to test tomorrow if I’m still not spotting?  I have no freaking idea.  If it’s negative, I’m afraid I’ll convince myself that I was completely off on ovulation and it’s just too early, that it might still be true.

I haven’t told J my thought process (I was going to type “suspicions” but I can’t even bring myself to admit that I’ve reached “suspect” level) and I’m not even sure if I’ll tell him immediately if I do get a positive.  He’s always so optimistic about fertility-related issues and dang it, I’m not!  I’m not sure I can handle the optimism without a blood test to back it up.  I’ve found myself thinking about when we would tell people, that I would have to insist to him that we not tell anyone until the end of the first trimester since I’m even more gun-shy with a miscarriage in my past.  I’ve found myself thinking that I would have conceived just a few days after I conceived P 7 (SEVEN!) years ago, and what a fun hassle to have everyone in our family have birthdays in a span of 8 weeks.  I’ve found myself wondering if I would hold out long enough to finish finals next December, since P was due December 19th and born December 3rd, smack in the middle of the last week of classes.

I’ve found myself dreaming again, and I’m so afraid of losing such happy dreams that I couldn’t bear to test.

April 14, 2010

The word of the day is “psychosomatic”

Posted in Uncategorized at 4:28 pm by Erin

I think I’m 14dpo today.  I *think*.  I say *think* because the other day, I thought I was probably 17dpo.  There was some confusion as to when I ovulated this cycle–at first, I was sure it happened while I was in San Francisco, then a few days later, I felt clear ovulation pains and had awesome EWCM.  Right now, I’m pretty sure on the 14dpo, but I wasn’t entirely paying attention to when that was and it might have been only 13 days ago.  I’m not bleeding; in fact, I haven’t even spotted beyond what happened after my Pap at my annual exam the other day.  I’m dizzy.  I’m having weird hot flashes.  My nipples hurt.  And I feel slightly nauseated.

I’m trying to tell myself that it’s probably because I was up for so much of last night with K, who was having a tough time breathing.  I’m trying desperately hard not to get my hopes up, to get the expectation into my head that I will see the blood every time I go to the bathroom.  I’m sure I’m not.  If I were 14dpo today, then I would have been 12dpo when I tested on Monday and there wasn’t even a little evap line to give me a thrill.

Sure sure, it could have been too early. I know that when I tested + with P, there was an incredibly faint line at 13dpo and I’m sure it wouldn’t have been there at 12dpo.

I was OK with it being negative on Monday.  SERIOUSLY okay, not just putting on a happy face.  I felt so positive about moving forwards for IVF that the negative didn’t hurt.  When I started spotting after my doctor’s appt, I was sure it was just the beginning of the flood (cheerful, no?).  But it went brown right away and then stopped in less than 6 hours.

I normally start spotting at 9 dpo.  Even on cycles when I don’t start that early, it’s no later than 12dpo.  I always spot for at least a couple of days before I get my period.

And I’m not.  Even if I’m off on when I really ovulated (the post-San Francisco time), I think I’m at least 12dpo.

I’m afraid to test.  I wasn’t afraid to test on Monday.  Now I’m afraid because my hopes are up.  I keep trying to squash them down.  I keep telling myself “OK, if I’m not bleeding by Friday, I’ll test then.”  Then “Well, maybe I was really far off on ovulation and so maybe I should wait until Monday.”  Even though the rest of me is screaming “TEST TOMORROW!  DON’T LEAVE ME IN SUSPENSE!!!”

I don’t know what I’ll decide.  I think I’ll take my temperature in the morning.  Even though I don’t temp on a regular basis anymore, I do every once in a while and I know where it should be if my cycle is ending.  If it’s above that, I might test.  And then again, I might chicken out.  But I think I’m scared either way.

April 12, 2010

It was Plan A

Posted in Uncategorized at 11:20 am by Erin

But I’m surprisingly OK with it.  I skipped the whole “Get depressed” step, which is great.  I got my blood drawn and am getting the whole STD testing panel done as covered charges through my PCP, so those are done.  I don’t think I can convince her to do any of the other pre-screening tests but I feel better for having gotten those done so that we can start this summer.

April 11, 2010

The new plan

Posted in Uncategorized at 11:42 pm by Erin

Plan A: Pee on a stick tomorrow a.m.

Get negative.

Get depressed but remember that I might have only been 12dpo anyway.

Get over it, hopefully pretty quickly.

Go to dr. for physical.

Beg her to authorize many of the tests that I will ultimately need done for IVF this summer.


Plan B: Pee on a stick tomorrow a.m.

Get positive because I’m probably actually 17dpo.

Get scared out of my wits.

Go to dr. for physical.

Ask for quantitative beta.

Beg for her to authorize repeat quantitative betas on Wednesday and Friday.

Do a lot of praying for the next 9 months.


I’m guessing I’ll be taking Plan A, but I can’t deny that the possibility of Plan B has me slightly hopeful.