December 31, 2005
What a resource!
P and I were at temple this morning. I try to take him at least every other week, though we often get off by a week for things like being at the IL’s and such. But we go often. When I mentioned to P this morning that we were going to temple for their Tot Shabbat (that’s what we Jews call the sabbath), he spent the next hour walking around the house (it was really more of a lurch in the grandest remniscences of Calvin from "Calvin and Hobbes") yelling "Tempo! Tempo!" And we have lots of fun there. Many other children his age, he’s not expected to be quiet and pay attention, there’s singing and dancing and artwork and all sorts of fun things.
I already knew there was a woman who’d adopted a daughter from Kazakhstan, and that there was another woman who’d adopted a little boy from Guatemala. But I had no idea how many people there were who’ve adopted there! We got there a few minutes early, and one of the other people there was the woman whose daughter is from Kazakhstan. I mentioned that we were thinking pretty seriously about international adoption and asked her which agency they used. Hers isn’t available anymore but immediately another woman started telling me about other agencies. And then they started telling me the names of other members of the temple who’ve adopted to whom I should talk–they must have mentioned 10 or 15 names! And I found out today that another couple with whom I’ve become friends (their daughter is not much older than P) just finished their paperwork to adopt a little girl from China. The woman who adopted from Guatemala came in while we were all talking about this and said that if you’re a part of this temple during your childbearing years, you’ll probably consider adoption! I had no idea how many there were, and I felt so at home and so lucky to have so many people with whom I can talk about it IRL.
J said yesterday that he really has come around to the idea of adoption, especially of siblings. Since we want P to stay the oldest, we’ve agreed that we probably don’t want to adopt before he’s 3 but that we’ll probably try to have our paperwork done a couple of months before that. I think we’ll probably make a couple of appointments with agencies around here in a few months and start talking about it more. J’s a little stubborn because he feels like since he’s a lawyer, he could do it himself–he’s already done an adoption from India, but he didn’t have to handle much of it. I flat out refuse to consider doing international adoption without going through an agency. If we were doing domestic adoption, he could handle it. We’re going through an agency, though.
So now I’m starting to wonder about the other aspects of adoption. I don’t even know the questions that I need to ask yet! If anyone can help me out with that, I’d appreciate it! I’m not so set on Kazakhstan that I wouldn’t go anywhere else, so if you have suggestions, that would be great.
December 29, 2005
J’s gift to me
I suppose that I should stop teasing and just post the "Tale of J’s Gift":
It was a rainy, blustery winter day in the suburbs of Atlanta. Erin and P were home alone, playing with P’s toys and drawing on his chalkboard. P decided he wanted to watch a "Thomas the Tank Engine" movie and Erin, knowing that he hasn’t watched any TV all day, said that would be fine. She set him up with his movie and thought, "I’ve got a few minutes free now. I’ll hop on the treadmill!" So she ran upstairs, put on her sneakers, and went down to the family room. P was enthralled with his video, happily eating a graham cracker (which he thinks is a cookie–that’s as close as he’s getting in this house!) and drinking some milk. Erin walked to the treadmill, which is kept folded up in a corner, and went to push it away from the wall in order to put down the track. But she nearly tripped over a large box! Upon closer inspection, she found that the box contained….
A VACUUM!
Not just any vacuum, but a Roomba Discovery robotic vacuum! It will vacuum up dog hair (important when a family has two large dogs who shed a lot) and other debris, then return to its base for recharging when the room is deemed "clean". Erin called J to ask him what it was (although she had a pretty darned good idea), whereby he mentioned that he was sure that Erin wouldn’t find it behind the treadmill (which she now uses at least once a week and behind which P often plays hide-and-seek) in the three weeks before he gave it to her.
Yes, my husband got me a vacuum for Hanukkah.
Now, there are several problems with this scenario. The first being that my husband got me a vacuum as a gift. But as that one is inherently obvious, we will continue. The second problem, as I see it, is that J and I are extremely prone to impulse shopping. A few months ago, we were nearly spellbound by the promise of a Roomba robotic vacuum while shopping at Home Depot. We were this close to buying it. But then we saw a demo of it and were rather unimpressed by the way it kept going over the same areas and not going to other areas at all. So we, as a couple, made the decision not to buy it. And yet J later decided that he would buy it anyway. His reasoning is that this is the "more advanced model" and it "does a better job". Of course, as such, it cost a lot more (problem #3, as I wouldn’t have wanted him to spend half that much getting me something I wanted, let alone something that we’d decided wasn’t worth buying).
Now why did my husband get me a vacuum as a gift?
A good question. He said that he was trying to think of something I’d like, and I’m always complaining that the house is a mess. He wanted to get me maid service occasionally but it was too expensive, so he decided to get something that would make my life easier.
Sweet, right? Just one problem (as I see it, this is at least #4):
The ONLY chore J does around the house is the vacuuming.
So he got a robotic vacuum that will do absolutely nothing to ease MY life, as it takes over HIS chore!
When I pointed this out to him, he said, "Well, when you look at it THAT way, it looks like a terrible gift! Don’t look at it that way."
Men.
The contentment is gone
But it was nice while it lasted. Surprisingly not, its end coincided with the following, all of which happened yesterday:
1) first PMS and then the arrival of AF
2) leaving my IL’s house, where we had a truly wonderful time and also enjoyed the side benefit of having lots of time to do normal couple things since MIL and FIL were practically pushing us out of the house so that they could get P to themselves (we saw King Kong! And got to go out with J’s friends! And shopped without a toddler in tow! I love my IL’s)
3) embarking on the 9.5 hour trip home that instead took 14 hours and included an unexpected sidetrip to Louisville, Kentucky (if you look at a map, you’ll note that Louisville is not supposed to be on the trip between Columbus, Ohio, and Atlanta, but it was part of ours)
4) a migraine of monstrous proportions, given that my migraines are made worse by movement and driving is a lot of constant movement. They’re not normally made worse by light or noise but apparently headlights in the dark flashing into my eyes and a toddler who’s (understandably) tired of being in his carseat will also aggravate a migraine
5) and coming home to a house that was a disaster since I had to do the packing and things on my list, and cleaning didn’t get done before we left.
It may also have something to do with the fact that apparently having a 2-year-old means that everyone gets to say "Time to have another one!" to me. In the last week, I’ve had variations of that from my MIL, 3 of J’s friends in Columbus, and P’s teachers. And several people I know either on-line or for real have announced pregnancies, some surprise and some planned.
It kills me that my stomach clenches when someone announces a pregnancy. I’ve been very lucky that all of them have been announced either on a message board or through e-mail so that I haven’t had to face anyone while they tell me. Because right now if someone told me that in person, I don’t know how I’d react. I think I’d probably force a smile and manage a congratulations somehow, but I truly am not sure that I wouldn’t just break down.
As planned, we’re taking this cycle off from really trying. No tests, no nothing. I probably won’t even use my monitor, though I did reset it this morning. I don’t know if it’s hitting me hard because a part of me thought that we wouldn’t have to take a cycle off, or because I know that it means that next cycle we’ll be doing all the initial testing. I hate Clomid and I’ll probably be on a higher dose next cycle, I dread having another HSG, I’ve never had a post-coital, and I hate the thought of embarking on this journey…but the idea of having another child, of getting to experience that process is too great to resist.
My IL’s gave us each some money for part of our holiday gifts. I don’t know what J’s doing with his. I’m going to take a little and spend it on getting some small things that I’ve wanted. The rest is going into my adoption fund. That’s totally separate from what we spend trying to get me pregnant. My New Year’s resolution is to get the adoption process started in 2006. Even if we get pg, I want to get started. If we do nothing more than go to some seminars and look at some different agencies, that’s fine, but I don’t want to end 2006 in the same place that we’re ending 2005.
And now I must start dinner for my family–fish sticks, steamed broccoli, and rice! Whee. Hey, give me a break. We didn’t get back until late last night and I spent most of today repairing the house from the tornado that appears to have hit it when we brought in all of P’s new gifts (most of which are now down in the basement). And we have 5 more nights of Hanukkah that will undoubtedly contain MORE TOYS! I am sure of this, having bought several of them myself.
Later, the story of J’s gift to me…
December 25, 2005
Holiday tidings!
Merry Christmas and Happy Chanukkah to everyone! We’ve been having a lovely time at my IL’s house, despite my MIL mentioning that when babies get to around age 2, you tend to get baby hungry again. I think I threw her off when I said "Yeah, but this age is so much fun! The baby stage was nice but this is so much better." She was a little startled and said something to the effect of how they’d enjoyed all the stages of their boys. So that worked.
Good thing too, as I started spotting right on schedule yesterday, 9dpo.
On a bright note, my progesterone test on Thursday was 13. High enough to indicate O but I’m guessing my RE will want to up the Clomid dose next time. So that definitely means we’ll take next cycle off–I can’t handle Clomid and defending my dissertation. The way it hits me, I’ll probably start crying in the middle of it and saying "Would you look at that data? It’s so beautiful!"
Anyway, Christmas has been lovely and P has still got presents to open. We’ve had to take breaks throughout the day since he’s getting overwhelmed and also so interested in certain presents that he just doesn’t care about the others anymore. I think he’s still got 5 or 6 to open. It’s ridiculous. Particularly since the boy is Jewish. And Chanukkah starts this evening also. You wouldn’t believe the pile o’ gifts we still have for him at home, not to mention the ones my IL’s got for him for Chanukkah, as well as all Jewish relatives on my side of the family. Most will go into the basement and be rotated in throughout the year while others are demoted to basement status when P loses interest.
I’ll save J’s gift to me for another blog, as dinner is about ready (I love to cook, but I also love not having to cook!). I hope you’ll get as much of a kick out of it as everyone has that I’ve already told IRL!
December 21, 2005
Why I’m tired today
I know I wasn’t planning on posting since I have so much to do and so little time to do it. Today is earmarked for cookie-baking, present-buying/mailing, and card-preparing (and maybe working on my dissertation, but I’m avoiding that if I have to). But I’m really tired today and felt like blogging for a bit.
"Why are you so tired today, Erin?" you so sweetly ask when you see my monstrous yawns threatening to make my jaw crack.
"Well, I’ll tell you…"
The music builds and we hear the chorus in the background "She’s going to tell, she’s going to tell, she’s going to tell, she’s going to tell"
"Last night, I was laying in bed, having trouble falling asleep despite my exhaustion. And all of a sudden it hit me. If we adopt an older child, he or she might already be out there! We might already have another son or a daughter in the world. And it was like when I first got pg and I would lay in bed thinking about how there was a life inside me, and then I wouldn’t be able to sleep because I felt like there were a million things to do before we were ready to bring the child home. So last night, I just wanted to start doing things ASAP to bring our child home."
I was good for a couple of months with thinking about adoption but not wanting to start the process right away, since I recognize that we really can’t right now. But in the last week, I desperately want to start, to do as much as we can right now. I know it’s a long process and I’m just so eager to begin. Even if I miraculously get pg (after my RE mentioned that the pelvic pain I have might be endo, I’ve been more aware of how often I do actually have it–not severe but quite often), we’ll adopt.
Now I just want to start the process of bringing our child home. I’m going to save every penny I can for that. No more highlights (I got them the other day for a bit of a mood-lifter and it worked, but I’ll forgo them from now on). No more late library books and exorbitant fines (15 cents a day per book? Are they mad?). It’s a good thing we bought a house with a fireplace in case I decide that heat is too expensive this winter! Food? Mac and cheese is perfectly adequate for lunch and dinner, thank you very much (maybe not so much for P with his milk allergy…he can just have his plain). On Saturdays, maybe we’ll add in some hot dogs as a wild and crazy treat!
I think these are all reasonable ways of saving money. Don’t you?
December 20, 2005
My next 2 days
Things to do before going to IL’s house for Christmas:
Finish laundry (3 loads)
Fold laundry (6 loads)
Make packing lists
Pack for P
Pack for me
Pack for the dogs (who are going with us–wonder if J has told them yet?)
Finish correcting dissertation (pages left to correct: about 50. Time to correct each page: about 10 years.)
Clean house
Bake cookies (oatmeal, molasses, gingerbread)
Take P to see Santa
Take pictures of P with Santa
Get copies of pictures made
Put holiday letter and pictures into holiday cards
Address and mail holiday cards (actually, this is J’s job but I’ll still likely end up doing some of them)
Buy gifts for: my parents, my sister, my brother, my MIL, my FIL, my BIL, my son, my husband, my grandmothers (2 and a step-grandmother)
Wrap gifts for: all the above, as well as my cousins (one 3 months younger than P and the twin children of another cousin)
Mail gifts for: my parents, my sister, my brother, my grandmothers, and my cousins
Buy Hanukkah candles (I swear Atlanta’s sold out of them, this may take longer than I expect)
Water plants
Feed family
Clean out fridge so that no evil-smelling foods attack me when I open it after we get back
*********Time left to accomplish all these things: 52 hours
Things that are unlikely to be done by me in the next 2 days:
Sleeping
Eating
Bathing (hey, feel sorry for my family–they’re the ones who are going to be trapped in a car with me for 9+ hours come Thursday. Maybe that threat will spur J into helping a little…)
Reading the enjoyable books I’ve started (I always have multiple books going at once)
Working on pillows for 2 babies who have arrived
Worrying about TTC, my cycle, or adoption
*********************
So if I’m not around between now and a week from now, I hope you’ll forgive me!
December 19, 2005
Doing OK lately!
Maybe it’s that I’m post-O, maybe it’s that I O’d on d17, maybe it’s just that it’s the holiday season and everything is so cheerful these days. I’ve been feeling really positive about everything lately! Well, everything except my dissertation (but I’ll get that done eventually, and at least I’m not stressing about it too much).
I think the reason I’m so pessimistic about TTC all the time is that I allow myself so few periods of hoping anymore. The only time I hope, and even then I often try to talk myself out of it, is right at O time. I don’t let myself hope when AF shows that "the next one will be it!", I don’t let myself hope that I’ll O early, I don’t let myself hope when I see EWCM since I often have a week or more of that before I O, I don’t let myself hope during the 2WW because I start spotting so far before AF shows. But right now, while I’m not really feeling hopeful for this cycle, I’m also not thinking about it too much. If AF showed tonight, it wouldn’t send me into the tailspin of depression that I often feel. I think I’d be more likely to shrug my shoulders and get on with my life. And it’s a nice feeling!
It might have something to do with my friend who just had her IVF baby. We were together the other day and talking about adoption, as it’s something we both see in our futures. And I felt so excited and hopeful about that in ways that I never feel anymore about TTC. She told me it sounds like J and I have "adopters’ hearts", and that just sounded so nice to me. I’m reading a collection of adoption stories right now and they give me so much joy. I love the idea of finding my family and bringing other cultures into our home. I see it as adding such dimension and richness to our family!
J and I have been talking about it more lately as well. He likes the idea of adopting an older child, since he knows they’re harder to place and doesn’t really care if we get a baby or not–he just wants more kids. But I have to admit, I’d really like a baby (under a year). So now we’re thinking that maybe we’ll see about adopting a sibling pair, one baby and one toddler/preschooler. My only thing is that I want P to stay our oldest child. I don’t really have a whole lot of reasons for it, although at least then we will have been through each stage before so we’ll have some idea of what it’s like. Maybe it’s just selfishness, I don’t know. It’s so hard not to rush into it when we’re both excited about it, but financially it’s not possible right now and we’d like to take our time and explore options anyway.
So I haven’t posted much because I’ve just been kind of adjusting to the feeling of happiness and contentment. I really am content right now. I’m satisfied with how my life is going. I’m just going to ride this wave and hope it lasts through the New Year, whatever this cycle brings.
December 17, 2005
My RE’s appt
Typepad was down for much of yesterday, so I haven’t had a chance to post my update until now. I woke up around 12:30 on Friday morning in serious pain–my ovaries, which normally twinge noticeably but not painfully when I ovulate, felt like they were trying to punch through my abdomen. Really just the left one, but still. J came up to bed as I was lying there, quietly whimpering to myself, "I did natural childbirth. How can ovulation hurt more than natural childbirth?" I was able to fall back to sleep about an hour later, when it let up enough for me to relax, and by 6:30 when the alarm clock went off, I was fine again.
It was weird. I got a peak on my monitor on Thursday, d16, so I knew it was coming. But normally I feel twinges in my ovary/pelvic region for at least a week before I actually O. This time, there was nada until a twinge or two right before I went to bed at 11. And then an hour and a half later, WHAM! Ovary! Popping an egg the size of a beach ball! Wow. Anyway, we did all we could and we’ll know around New Year’s.
We went to see our RE on Friday. We talked to him and told him what was going on, and all sorts of fun stuff. He said that since the progesterone test was fine, the spotting might be related to mild endometriosis. I have some pelvic pain sometimes, although I normally ignore it–I never even thought about endometriosis. I don’t often have pain during intercourse, but occasionally I do. And the fact that we seem to be having some trouble getting pg again, although he didn’t want to be alarmist about that since he said that maybe it’s just bad luck this time and things just haven’t quite worked yet. He was happy to hear that such a low dose of Clomid has gotten me O’ing so early. He said that he doesn’t see the benefit of laproscopic surgery for the endo at this point, since apparently the rates of pregnancy only go from 3% with untreated endo to 6% after laproscopic surgery. And since my little bit of pain isn’t disturbing my life, there’s really no reason to do that now.
He said that what he’d like to do is this: have a progesterone test done next Thursday to make sure that the Clomid gave me a good ovulation (he’d like to see around a 20). Then, if I’m not pg this cycle, do d3 bloodwork next cycle and have a u/s to check my ovaries and make sure my PCOS isn’t too bad, be on Clomid at the same dose (assuming the progesterone was good, otherwise go up to 50), have an HSG, and do a post-coital test next cycle. He also wants J to have another SA done–he said it’s unlikely that J’s sperm quality has gone down so much in the last 3 years, since he’s still young, but it never hurts to test that. Lucky him–I DREAD having another HSG. I almost passed out both during and after the last one. But I bled for so long after having P that I’m worried that they left a piece of the placenta behind (delivery of P’s placenta was medically managed with Pitocin and pulling rather than naturally, and it was excruciatingly painful–I’d just had P and thought that was WAY less painful than the placenta, which is supposed to be painless), and there might be some scarring or tube blockage. (He wanted to do one anyway, and I think there’s definitely a good reason.) Also, another fairly easy test and will help rule some serious issues.
It sounded like a good plan. He said if we’re in a hurry, we can add in IUI but unless the post-coital shows that my cervical mucus is really bad, there’s no reason not to just try the Clomid or Femara for a few cycles. He said that it usually takes no more than 2 or 3 cycles, and that there’s not a whole lot of increase in success if it doesn’t work by then. Then we would move onto other options, but he didn’t want to get into those until we know what we’re dealing with and see how these work out.
The only thing that we’ll probably change is that I think we’ll take next cycle off. I’ll be defending my dissertation somewhere during it, and I don’t want to be dealing with fertility issues while I’m doing that. The Clomid seriously messed with my brain this cycle–I need those brain cells to convince them to give me my Ph.D! Plus, we’ll be doing a lot more than that to do all the testing, and I don’t want to have all those things running around in my head–what if we get bad news and then I’m trying to defend my dissertation while having just heard that my uterus is badly scarred and there’s basically no chance that I’ll ever carry another pregnancy? Nope, as much as I like to rush into things, I can wait through one more cycle. And I’m even going to take it a step further–no temping, no monitor. I’ll feel O pains, I’ll know where I am in my cycle, but I’m not going to think about it constantly the way I am now.
Anyway, so that’s my update. Nothing really earth-shattering, but I’m glad to know that we can do all of that testing within one cycle and not have to wait several of them.
December 14, 2005
What a day!
It’s been a wonderful, wonderful day. Yesterday was so dreary, and with the weather today (cold, rainy, windy), I was expecting to have another day like that. But instead it’s been fantastic! A very sweet, dear friend had her baby boy today–6 years of TTC, several IUIs, 3 IVFs, and he’s finally here! I’ll be going to visit them in the hospital tomorrow and I just can’t wait. We’ve had weird parallels between our pgs–she found out they were pg exactly 2 years to the day after I found out I was pg with P, we both felt convinced that we were having boys and they both were, we both had very easy and enjoyable pregnancies, both boys were born a bit early, and their little boy was the same length and only one ounce less than P was when he was born. I feel like there were others also, but I can’t remember what now.
It’s amazing just how joyous it can be when a friend has a baby. I often have a hard time accepting pregnancies, but once I deal with that, I can’t wait for the baby to be born. And especially when it’s a baby who’s been so wanted and prayed for and loved for so long even before he was born!
I make cross-stitch pillows for friends who have babies. I put on the names of the baby and parents, the birthdate, time, place, and length and weight. I’m busy making one for a friend who adopted their little girl from China, and now I get to make one for this friend. It just makes me so happy to be stitching on those names 🙂
December 13, 2005
Talking to IF friends
It seems like I know an awful lot of infertiles, and yet I often feel so reluctant to talk about IF with them. But sometimes I let it out anyway. I was talking to a girl that I work with, who adopted a toddler and 6 months later gave birth to her IVF baby (no, they didn’t decide to adopt and then just "get pg", so don’t hate them), about my "dissertation block" (my version of writer’s block) and how I just couldn’t seem to get my head around it recently. A few minutes later, we were talking about other things and I mentioned being on Clomid this cycle. She looked at me and goes "Did you ever think that could be why you’re having trouble concentrating on your dissertation?"
What’s really sad is that a few weeks ago, I’d mentioned that I’d be going back on Clomid and she told me how one cycle when she was on Clomid, she’d called a friend because she couldn’t stop crying and couldn’t figure out why. Her friend said "You’re on drugs. They affect your hormones. That affects everything else." And she’d never even connected the two. When she told me that, I remember saying "I’ll keep that in mind–I’ve been on Clomid before." And now that it’s my turn, it flew away like I’d never heard it. We’re both scientists in pharmacology, working on Ph.D.s. She’s a med student. I teach about hormones to pre-med students. Given that background (and how snobby do I sound?!), shouldn’t we have been able to figure this out on our own? And isn’t it a good thing that we have people who figured it out for us?
There are times when I’m very glad that I haven’t closed myself off entirely, trying to keep this struggle private. I often feel strange talking about it, especially to people like her who’ve been through so much–years of IF, a m/c at 9 weeks, several cycles of IVF. I feel like I have no right to complain about fertility issues when we’ve only been TTC 13 months again and I’m only on my first cycle of Clomid.
I know that a lot of infertiles look at people who get pg on Clomid as not really struggling much–it is a first-line treatment, after all. Can I blame them? No, not a bit. I recognize the fact that those people have climbed to a rung on the treatment ladder that I hope never to reach. And since I’ve only started treatments this time around, I’m in with the Clomid group. But it’s another way in which I feel a little left out. This is the second time that I’ve tried to have a child, the second time that we’ve longed and prayed for over a year. This time is even a little harder because my cycles are coming faster with the Metformin. We’ve just hit our 10th cycle, which is when P was conceived, but that was after 16 months. This time, it was after 13. So to me, it almost feels like we’re months further down this path than we really are. And yet, I feel weird talking about it to people who’ve dealt with IF for longer because I know we really have just started treatment. Particularly since we do have a child, the Holy Grail of the IF world. But I still feel the pain each cycle. I still feel like curling up in a ball and crying, feel hopeless, feel like it’s not going to happen and I need to accept that.
I think about it all the time. I have a hard time focusing on other aspects of life. I can be in the middle of a completely non-TTC conversation and have a thought about whether I’ll O in the next week, and have a horrible time trying to recover my train of thought enough to continue the conversation. I read a post on my message board about a woman who’s TTC and wants to test because she’s 11 dpo and can hardly wait! and I had to close the window. I couldn’t even post a little "good luck" message because it hurt too much to remember what that kind of hope was like. I get to 11 dpo and I’m just wishing AF would hurry up because I’ve been spotting for days and I know she’s on her way, and I just want to get the cycle over with so there’s no visible evidence of my IF status every time I use the bathroom. I don’t know how to get through it. People who’re just starting TTC or got pg easily don’t understand that, and it seems to me like people who’ve been through years of IF probably think I have no reason to complain.
Recurring IF is a no-man’s world. It’s big and empty, and stretches out forever. The sky is constantly a dull gray, the air is cold and the wind is biting. There are no flowers, only barren trees. No one should have to live here. But I wasn’t given that choice.
PCOS Baby 