November 30, 2005
And so she shows
My temp nosedived. The cramps are getting worse. And the spotting has gotten heavier.
Guess I’ll get that Clomid prescription filled.
Damn.
November 29, 2005
It’s a sad state of affairs
The first time you TTC, it’s a happy thing. It’s so exciting to throw caution to the wind, stop taking that birth control pill, whatever it is that you do. For me, I had heard for years about all those women who miss just one pill and BAM, they’re pregnant. The first day after stopping my BCP, I remember feeling almost giddy that maybe, just maybe, I’d be one of those women and *gasp* I could already be pg! And 70 days later, when AF finally started, I was just happy that the monstrous first cycle was over. After all, I’d ALSO heard about how it can take a cycle or two to get back to normal for some women after BCP. And 56 days later, after my second cycle was over, I thought "OK, now I’ll be golden".
Well, the rest of the details are depressing and boring. Finally we had P and eventually we were ready to TTC again. But this time, instead of thinking of it excitedly and with the possibilities abounding, I felt like I was entering a war. One hosted in my body. I have to conquer it and make it behave like a normal woman’s body. Instead of being hopeful, I feel grim, like I’m fighting a battle and the outcome is completely uncertain. Will I win? Will I be able to get pg again? Or will I lose? And never again feel the sensation of another life growing within me, the bubbles and kicks and birth.
TTC should be exciting. It should at least be entered into with hope. And I, who used to always be an optimist, haven’t had that feeling about TTC since about June of 2002. It’s really sad, and it saddens me more to know that. Building a family should be about love and hope and promise. I remember when I felt that way, and I miss it.
November 28, 2005
The waiting is the worst
I hate waiting, and that’s all that happens in TTC. First, you wait for AF to be over. Then you wait for good CM…a rather long wait for me. Then you wait to O, another long wait for me even after I get EWCM (case in point, on my last cycle I had 12 days of EWCM before I O’d). Then you have the dreaded "2 week wait", in which every little twinge in your body is analyzed for possible pg or oncoming AF symptoms. And then it starts over, if you’re not lucky enough to get pg that cycle.
For me, I have now added a new feature into the middle of my 2 week wait period of "When will I start to spot?" This time, it was at 9 dpo (I’ve decided to just go along with my monitor and move O to a day later, which puts me at 12 dpo today instead of 13). Last cycle, it was at 7. Before I had P, it was either at 12 or 13 dpo, never earlier. I used to spot for one or two days, have AF for 3, and spot for one more. Now, I spot for 4+ days. Whee. Hopefully the progesterone test will tell us something.
I do appreciate the fact that my spotting is light enough that I didn’t have to deal with feminine products while I was on vacation. And that AF was kind enough to not show up early and bring her cramps (and frequently a migraine–let’s just add insult to injury, shall we?) with her.
And for once, my mom didn’t mention anything about me having more children, nor did anyone else ask us anything about it. I’m not sure why. She may have realized that I’ve been back on the Metformin at least since June (that’s when she was first down after I started taking it again) and still haven’t told her that a new grandchild’s on the way, and be trying to be kind. If that’s the case, I appreciate it, although I’m sure it makes her sad. She knows that we want more, and she knows that we tried for a long time for P, and she probably wishes she were kept in the loop a little bit. But I just don’t feel comfortable with it. I get squicked out when I think about talking to my mom, or most people, for that matter, about our reproductive life. It was weird enough talking about P’s birth with her, and I didn’t even go into great detail!
Anyway, I’m still waiting for AF. The spotting is typical (for the last few months, anyway), and I felt the harbinger of cramping last night. There’s no earthly reason to believe that this was my cycle, and I don’t. But I’ll still feel a little sad when AF shows up, so I’ll throw myself into planning P’s birthday party. My baby will be 2 on Saturday! We’ve got definite yes’s from 17 (plus 2 babies and not including the 3 of us) and about 10 people who’ve still not responded. My baby’s birthday is huge already–and only 5 of the 17 people are kids! It’ll be simple, though–it’s mid-afternoon, so no meals to worry about. I’m making a bunch of appetizers, letting the kids decorate their own cupcakes, and having a couple of simple things to do. It’s hard to do much with 5 two-year olds and a 5 year old. But we’ll have fun and I’m looking forward to it! It’ll keep my mind off AF, and remind me that I’ve already had 2 blessed, wonderful years with the sweetest little boy on earth.
November 22, 2005
Oh, and…
And I had my progesterone test today. It’ll be a while before I have the results, but at least it’s done. One less thing to worry about while we’re gone. I’ll be back after Thanksgiving!
God was watching out for us!
Pardon me while I delve into religion for a minute. Clearly, God is watching out for us. He may not have blessed us with another child yet, but He knows that we’re here. Last night, it was extremely windy and rainy and cold. I had choir rehearsal, and normally in that kind of weather, I’d drive our SUV…it’s heavier and less likely to blow around the road. But for some reason, I decided instead to take the Saturn.
I got home at about 10 and went to park the car in its normal place along the curb, and almost crashed into the enormous branch that came down from our Bradford pear tree! It was huge–Jason and I working together couldn’t budge it. Had the Saturn been there, it would have been seriously damaged, if not totalled. But instead, it’s fine. Because I took it on a night when there was no logical reason that I would take it.
And this morning, as we went out there with our little saw and clippers, trying to do what we could to get as much out of the road as possible (fortunately, it wasn’t blocking the road completely), our neighbor came over with his chainsaw and made a 3 hour project into a 20-minute one. We’ve been blessed in so many ways evident in just the last 24 hours–the car is OK, no one was hurt, the branch also missed the 3 wires that are right next to the tree, and we have great neighbors.
I have a lot to be thankful for this Thanksgiving!
November 19, 2005
Guess what I just found
I was looking in the bathroom cabinet under the sink to get a new packet of tissues for the diaper bag. They had gotten knocked all the way to the back, so I was digging way back in there. And I found…
Wait, are you sitting down? Sit down if you’re not.
I found…AN UNUSED HPT.
That’s not the worst of it.
IT WAS EXPIRED!!!!!!!!
OMG, I was horrified–I had an HPT that was in there for so long that it expired! And I know when it’s from, too. When AF came back after having P, my symptoms were as close to when I was pg as they’ve ever been. I was convinced I was pg again. Nope, then the witch arrived. But I had already bought the two-pack and used one of them. And when AF showed, I hid the other way at the back of the cabinet and vowed not to touch it until I had reason to use it (figuring, of course, that it would be soon…after all, we knew what was wrong this time!).
What kind of TTC person am I that I let an HPT go to waste? I’m even INFERTILE! I use those things just for fun! If I don’t pee on a stick daily, I feel deprived. And I let one go to waste.
I feel so ashamed.
November 18, 2005
Urgh
I wish I could think of a better tagline than that, but my brain is on shutdown. This is a problem since I have to finish my dissertation today. Why is my brain on shutdown, you ask? Well, P is sick. His cough is gone but he’s got an alternately runny and stuffy nose. Last night, I was up working on my dissertation until nearly 1 a.m. J was also working, and that’s about when he got home. We went to bed and were awakened at 4:45 by P, crying and miserable. We calmed him and got him back into bed about 20 minutes later.
Five minutes after that, he was back up again, and this time nothing would calm him. He threw everything out of his crib. He didn’t want to be held. He didn’t want to be left alone. He didn’t want to hear a song. He didn’t want to read a book. He didn’t want a drink. He didn’t want a fresh diaper. He didn’t want to stand. He didn’t want to sit. He didn’t want to lay down. He didn’t want Mama. He didn’t want Daddy. He didn’t particularly want the dogs, although they were more of a hit than anything else (their names are Nietzsche and Caesar, although P calls them Nietzsche and "The Blue Nietzsche" or, more recently, "Purple"–not "The Purple Nietzsche", just "Purple". Don’t ask me why. He knows the dog’s name is Caesar. If you ask him which dog is Caesar, he points right to him. And for what it’s worth, the dog is light brown and white. But I digress…)
I couldn’t handle it. I was snapping at him to just use his words and tell us what he wanted, which I’m sure made him feel ten times better. After another hour of that (around 6:15), we finally got him calmed and into bed, and we both collapsed and slept until nearly 9, which was hours after I’d intended to get up (at 6:30). It was a horrible night of sleep and I’m bleary-eyed and having trouble concentrating on stringing two word together, let alone another 10 pages or more of highly technical, it-has-to-make-perfect-sense science writing to finish up my conclusions.
I don’t know how to do this anymore. I used to be able to handle it when he was first born, although it was a rare night that he cried much. Of course, I was on maternity leave and didn’t even have to get dressed the next day if I didn’t want to, much less finish the dissertation that comprises 4 1/2 years worth of work. At one point, J was changing P’s diaper and I was trying to calm him down, and I looked at J and said "I don’t think we can have another one." What if the next one is a screamer? Lots of babies are. There’s no guarantee we’ll get another even-tempered, mellow baby (the toddler has changed). In fact, it’s probably more likely that we won’t have another one like P. And next time, I will have responsibilities during the day after a rough night other than vegging in a chair and breastfeeding, like a toddler who needs Mama’s attention and to play with him.
I’ve heard that the jump from 1 to 2 kids is much harder than adding on after that, and right now I’m really scared to make it. It’s very weird to sometimes be depressed that I can’t get pg and sometimes be scared of having another one. Of course, there are a lot of moments when I desperately want another one. Few of them happen after less than 4 hours of sleep, at 5:30 a.m., with a screaming and unhappy toddler in my arms. I just don’t know. I guess now’s probably not the best time to be thinking about it, as I’m barely thinking straight.
November 17, 2005
P speaks Spanish!
He’s such a fabulous kid! He woke up this morning, coughing away hard as could be, but as soon as I opened his door, he gave me a big hug and said "Te amo Mama!" OMG, I nearly cried! And then later, we were all cuddling on the bed and J was reading him "The Best Nest", a current favorite, and he said "Te amo book!". He’s been saying I love you for a couple of months now, but I usually have to ask for it. His teachers at daycare speak Spanish to them, and I recently got him a book out of the library called "Te amo sol, te amo luna" (I love you sun, I love you moon), which we read together. I don’t speak Spanish but I took French and Italian, so I’m pretty sure I’m at least getting the pronunciations right. He clearly knows that te amo and I love you mean the same thing, and it’s really cool to watch him throw a phrase in another language in there.
I think that once I’m home with him, I’m going to work on my own languages with him (French, Italian, some Hebrew, and maybe I’ll try to learn some Spanish). Not because I’m obsessed with it, but because the more he hears other languages now, the easier it’ll be for him to learn them later. And if he learns some now, so much the better! Hey, I’ll have all day with him…might as well throw in a foreign word here and there! Perhaps while we’re eating dejeuner or playing with i cani.
But waking up and hearing him say "Te amo Mama!" just made my day…I can get through this stupid disseration because I keep remembering that and it just makes me so happy to know that P’s here and in my life, and that he’s happy and affectionate and loving, and knows that he is loved in return.
November 16, 2005
Some random mumblings
THUD! That was the sound of my head hitting the brick wall of my dissertation. I’m SO CLOSE to getting done with it. It’s got to be done by Friday and my entire mind is rebelling against it. The idea of science makes me cringe right now. I’m tired and it’s lousy weather and none of it is combining to get my last 2 sections done. I know I just need to push through these last couple of days. Then I’m not touching it again until after Thanksgiving. Come Friday, I turn the stupid thing in to my advisor. Then my laptop shuts down and I put it away, and I spend the weekend and all of next week with my family and friends. I’m going to spend time with P. I’m going on a date with J on Saturday night since it’s the 10th anniversary of us starting to date (6+ years married)–I think that deserves a night out! J’s birthday is Tuesday, so I’ll make him a cake and nice dinner, and shop for a gift from me and one from P. We’ll go to NY and see my family and watch P and my cousin E, who is 3 months younger than P, play together on Thanksgiving. I’ll go see "Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire" with my sister and J, if he wants to come…Grandpa and Bubbi will babysit P, which will make everyone happy. I’ll see my aunts and uncles and cousins and grandmother, and friends who are in town for the holiday. And I’m not going to think about science. We went on vacation with my family in August and I spent the whole week responding to any question about school with "I don’t believe in science this week". I think I need to reprise it for Thanksgiving.
I got a lovely peak on my monitor today. Apparently it works properly if you use it the way the directions tell you to! Who knew? Anyway, I know I O’d yesterday and my temp started on its way up today, so I think we’re in good shape.
I had my last childbirth class with my couple last night, and a friend came over to help out since it was a class about new parenting. She came over with her daughter, who is 5 months older than P, to share her experiences. It was a lot of fun. And I think this couple may invite me to their birth if I’m in town, which would be awesome. I’m nervous about going because I’ve never attended a birth before (other than mine and P’s, of course), but birth is so cool and natural childbirth is so inspiring–and they’re planning a waterbirth! So hopefully they’ll go into labor at a time when I can be there for it and they’ll call me.
We still have the top of our armoire sitting in our downstairs hallway. It’s been there for 3 weeks. I want it gone! I need to call some neighbors and see if they’ll help us get it upstairs. I’d like to be able to get into my downstairs bathroom again.
I think I just keep writing to procrastinate working on my dissertation.
I’ll stop.
Right
now.
November 15, 2005
Do you remember that toy…
The one when you were a little kid and it was like a popcorn popper that you rolled along and the beads inside would pop as you walked? That’s what my ovaries feel like. I know I’m O’ing. Actually, they’ve calmed down so I think I O’d earlier this morning. Then why am I still only getting a high reading on my monitor? I’ve been peeing on that stupid stick for at least 5 seconds every day, and this morning I went beyond that because I wanted to make sure there was enough. So when I saw the high reading again today, I decided to pull out the info booklet that comes with it. Apparently you’re only supposed to do 3 seconds, and more can give you a falsely low reading. Oops.
I put a peak down on my chart as my reading for today because I know that I’ve O’d and the monitor probably would have showed that if I could follow simple directions. We’ve taken as much advantage of it as possible, so all we can do is wait out the next two weeks. Happily, I can get my progesterone test next Tuesday and don’t have to worry about it while I’m in NY. Also happily, I probably won’t start my next cycle until we’re back home (although I’ll bring supplies), so I don’t have to worry about getting my Clomid prescription filled ahead of time and bringing it with me.
On another note, P has a miserable cold. Poor baby has been hacking and coughing and sniffling for a week. Finally I decided to bring him over to the dr this morning, despite a lack of health insurance for him. He fell asleep last night at 5:45 and slept through dinner, through the night, and woke up this morning in a fabulous mood, energetic and happy. Ate a huge breakfast (yogurt, a scrambled egg, Kix, and rice milk), and go to the dr. (Side note: he weighs in at 24 lb 8 oz. Just 1.5 lb more than he was at 18 months. He’s a peanut. The nurse commented that he must be very active…just as he started to climb off the table and run away.) Anyway, he’s just got a cold and post-nasal drip is causing the cough. So now I’m ticked that my instincts were saying that he was fine–any kid who can run all over, climb up and down chairs and stairs and dogs, and eat breakfast like that has to be fine–and yet I still went and spent $90 for the dr to tell me he has a cold and there’s nothing to be done except some Robitussin and Benadryl if he has trouble sleeping. The boy slept for 14 hours last night…he’s not having trouble sleeping.
Luckily, neither J nor I have caught the cold yet. Of course, now that I have typed it, I will get miserably sick just in time for Thanksgiving and our flights between Atlanta and NY. Via Chicago. With a "he’s as close to 2 as he can get without us having to buy him a seat" child on our laps. Of course.
PCOS Baby 