March 30, 2006
To wake or not to wake, that is the question
I’ve found that when I’m with P on a regular basis, I can tire that boy out like no one’s business! In the morning, make breakfast and then play trains and catch for a few hours. Then lunch, and then just take him to the park in some of this gorgeous 70+ degree weather and let him play for an hour. I mostly watch him carefully and help him a bit, but as he’s doing all the real running, he gets tired out and falls asleep in the car on the way home. I then get a couple of hours to do whatever I need to do.
Mind you, I’m terrified of what will happen if we have a rainy day–or more.
The dilemma comes in at times like this, when he falls asleep at 4:30 and it’s now dinner time. Do I wake him? Do I let him sleep? (Oh wait, he’s crying now…more later)
The next day: He’s so grumpy when he wakes up from a late nap! Not fun. Last night, he ate all of about 10 cheez-its for dinner. Didn’t eat the chicken or banana I gave him, wouldn’t have a yogurt, although he did drink his milk. Not exactly nutritious, but I can’t shove food down the boy’s throat, now can I? This is why I hate having him take a late nap.
Hopefully he’ll sleep now and we’ll have a fun evening.
Oh, and future blogging topics include:
"The Great HSG Sock Caper"
"Harry Potter And The Adopted Witch"
"Never Say No One In My Family Knows The Right Thing To Say Again"
"Indiana Jones And The Prayers For The Lost Womb"
and, your favorite and mine…
"A Time to Spot"
All will be upcoming in the next week, so help me figure out the order…which one intrigues you most?
March 29, 2006
Oh, how fricking great
Jessica Simpson wants to adopt before she has "kids of her own".
If there’s anything that will prove my mom’s point, this is it.
Fabulous. Just fabulous. So happy for her. Really. I mean it. No, I really mean it this time.
OK, so maybe I’m a little melodramatic…
All of you are so nice to keep me in your thoughts–I really appreciate it! I spoke at length yesterday with a friend who has been through all of this, and she helped me calm down a lot about what to expect at today’s appt.
I had my blood drawn, then saw Dr Wonderful. I told him about my concerns about the painful ovulation on Clomid, which didn’t seem right to him, so he said that next cycle we can look at lowering the dose or switching to letrozole (not sure about that, but will wait on that issue). Then he drew what he would expect to see from an HSG and took out the films of mine. He showed me that it’s clear that my tubes are open, which was our main concern with the test. Then he showed me how apparently the catheter was in way too far and it’s really hard to tell whether the "fibroid" is really there or if it’s just an artifact of the test being done poorly. (He said his fellowship mentor would have made me go back and get another one, because of the poor mechanics of this one, but since it did show that my tubes are open, he doesn’t see any need to do that.)
He said that there definitely was no fibroid visible on my u/s so even if there is one, it’s likely very small. So he gave me two options: a sonohysterogram or a hysteroscopy. In the sono, they’ll inject saline into the uterus and do an ultrasound. In the hysteroscopy, they put a camera through the cervix and look around. I asked whether either one would show any uterine scarring (from placental retention), and he said they both would, but the hysteroscopy might also allow them to remove some of it. He recommended doing the sonohysterogram first, because it’s a 5-minute test and can be done in the office, while the hysteroscopy needs to be done in the hospital and is more invasive and involved. He said we could take the pessimistic viewpoint and do a hysteroscopy so that they could remove some scar tissue, but he’d hate for me to go through all of that and find out that I don’t have any, and the sonohysterogram would have been perfectly acceptable.
I agreed with him, since he said that we can do the sonohysterogram at the beginning of my next cycle and if there is scar tissue, we can always schedule a hysteroscopy for a few days later. It sounded like a good way of doing things. A quick and easy test, done in the office, and he said that we can probably get my insurance to pay for it since it’s a diagnostic test for fibroids. (Oh whee, now I get to call my insurance company and get this worked out before my next cycle.)
Dr Wonderful was kind of funny, because he said that it looks like my uterus is smaller than usual, which might be a concern about the ability of a woman to carry a pregnancy to full-term. But since I was clearly able to do that (at least until 37 1/2 weeks, when P decided he was tired of the view), it wasn’t necessarily true–and so what do doctor’s know?!
He was being almost annoyingly optimistic today. Now, we all know I tend to be pessimistic about my reproductive health. And clearly, I’m seeing my RE so that I can get pregnant and have another baby. But in the course of the consultation, he mentioned that "if my next cycle even begins", that I "could already be pregnant", and that we wouldn’t have to do any of these tests because "in about a week, [I]’ll get a positive pregnancy test and have another baby". And other variations, to a total of 5 times in one 15-minute visit. I appreciate the optimism but damn it, it’s NOT HELPING ME KEEP MY HOPES DOWN!!!
********
Update: My progesterone was 17, which is much higher than last time–so I definitely ovulated and it’s at a high enough level that Dr Wonderful is happy with it. This time, Nurse L said that I can just come in for a blood test in a week or do a home pregnancy test and call them with the results, then do 3 quantitative betas. Not helping the non-optimistic part of me stay calm.
March 28, 2006
Getting really nervous
About tomorrow. I have no idea what to expect him to say. None. What will it involve? Will it be something we can feasibly do? Or afford?
I’m so glad that I made the decision to put off my HSG until after I was done with my dissertation. At the time, I thought that if they found that I had horrible scar tissue or something and I wouldn’t be able to have another child, that I couldn’t deal with that while trying to prepare for my defense. As it turns out, I was right. It’s consuming my every thought.
If it were nothing to worry about, Dr Wonderful would have e-mailed nurse L and said something to the effect of, "It’s nothing to worry about." But he didn’t say that.
Will I need to have surgery? If I have to have uterine surgery, will I be able to labor and birth naturally again, or will I have to have a c-section? For what it’s worth, I told J last night that if I had to have surgery that would leave me with no chance of being able to birth vaginally ever again, I would still have the surgery and gladly submit to a c-section. It’s more important for me to be pregnant and have another baby than to have a vaginal birth, no question about it.
But what if it’s something that will leave me with no chance of being able to carry a child again? I’m not sure how I’ll deal with that.
Damn, I hate this. I’m so glad my appt is at 8 a.m. so that I can get it done with first thing in the morning.
I need Brach’s jellybeans…
March 27, 2006
My decision–Erin the SAHM!
On Saturday, I had pretty much decided to keep him in daycare every day. Then yesterday, I realized that I don’t want to do that. I figured I would talk to his daycare and see what they said WRT holding his spot. So I went in this morning (without P) and talked to them. They have a pretty big number of parents who are teachers, and they unenroll their kids during the summer and then re-enroll them for the fall. They recommended that I come back around the end of June and put in my application that says when he’ll be starting back up, and then they can hold a spot for him. They can’t do it this far out, but they can if it’s within a month. So that took a huge weight off my mind! And I can still do a drop-in occasionally if I need to, since he’s still got all of his info on file. I didn’t have to give any notice because he’s already a drop-in (we had to give notice when we switched from full-time to drop-in).
Logically, I probably should have kept him in. I’m sure that it would have made the transition easier for him when it’s time for me to start working. It would certainly have made things easier for getting to appointments and job interviews and such. And we’ll miss having him learning so many new things and other languages, and socializing with so many children at once.
But it all came down to the fact that I just got depressed thinking about how much we’d miss out on doing together over the next few months. This is such a special time and I’ve been looking forward to it so much. Truthfully, the idea of having these months sustained me at several points when I was trying to finish my dissertation. If he were there each day in the middle of the day, we’d miss story-time at the library, and playdates, and special time just cuddling in our pajamas and reading books on Mama and Daddy’s bed.
Plus, there’s the financial factor. We would have spent another $2000 keeping him in for the next few months. While we could afford it, we can certainly use that money to spend on other things instead!
To celebrate our decision, I made carrot-raisin muffins (oh, so good!) and we had a friend’s daughter over to play this morning. It was so much fun, and I feel really good about the decision. And we’re going to a playdate tomorrow morning. We wouldn’t be able to do any of those things if he were in school from 10-2.
So thanks to all of you for your advice! I know that I went against popular opinion (it was running about 3:1 in favor of keeping him in school), but I know that I made the right decision for our family.
And I got him to nap on Friday and Saturday, so there’s hope yet for naptime. Right now he’s exhausted from playing with his little friend, so I don’t think he’ll put up much of a fight today (were Erin’s famous last words…)
March 25, 2006
Things get worse
What a cheery little blog I have here! I keep saying that I’m going to brighten this place up with flowers and smiley faces, but somehow they just don’t seem to fit with the tone of things.
Anyway, thanks for all of your responses to my last post about SAHM vs daycare. I’ve got a way that I’m leaning right now, but I’m still up for all insight and responses (even if you think they sound harsh or not–I appreciate hearing opinions from so many people!). Either way, it’s a tough call. Schools here start so early that we’re looking at me going back in mid-July, so it’s really only 3 1/2 months, and he’d only be at school for 4 hours a day (2 of which would be naptime). And losing our spot is a HUGE concern since we love our daycare and there have been hundreds of houses built in this area in the last 6 months–I know his classroom is only 2 spaces away from capacity. But I’ve treasured this time so much. We anticipated my being unemployed, so we saved and prepared for it. But SAH forever is not an option since J is self-employed (and his income varies SO much), and we have no health insurance (or guaranteed income, and there are months that they can barely pay their employees–office expenses get put on credit cards, no paycheck home for he or his partner) if I don’t work a full-time job.
Back to infertility issues!
On Friday, I got a call from Nurse L, my primary care nurse–I like her a lot. She’s very cheerful but not in a so-perky-that-I-can-see-the-cheerleader-outfit-and-pompoms-through-the-phone way. And she’s excellent about always calling me back within a few hours after I call her. First things first: J is fine, as expected. He feels stupid spending $120 to get a test done that we expected to be fine. I feel like it was money well-spent to rule him out and to completely eliminate him as a cause of our infertility. And way cheaper than any of my tests.
Which we’re probably going to be continuing. I’m borrowing my RE’s name from a friend who also used him and now has a little boy–Dr Wonderful. He really is great. Anyway, he got a chance to review my films from my HSG and sent Nurse L an e-mail that she read to me over the phone. Basically, it said that there was clearly something there and we need to meet to discuss the next step. I had a progesterone test scheduled for 8 a.m. Wednesday morning anyway, so we’re meeting then.
Maybe I’m just being overanalytical, but it sounded kind of ominous. He didn’t say whether it was or wasn’t a fibroid. It could be some sort of polyp. I also have my concern about uterine scarring from my medically-managed placental removal, and I don’t know what uterine scarring looks like in an HSG–maybe it could be that?
I don’t know what he’s going to recommend. I don’t know any next steps. Up until this point, everything we’ve done has been something I’ve done/dealt with during primary inferility. We’re entering a whole new uncharted region. And I’m nervous since I have to go without J, as even if we decide to keep P in school, he wouldn’t be going that early in the morning. J is my rock. But at least I know he’ll still be home that morning when I get back so that we can talk.
While I’m there, I also plan to ask him about the intense discomfort of ovulating this cycle. I’m concerned about that, as my research shows that it’s not normal or usual.
I told J that if this cycle didn’t work, I’m getting very, very drunk–my hopes are up too much and I can’t seem to suppress them (though this call from Nurse L helped). Screw the migraine that I will undoubtedly have the next day–I can take my not-safe-for-even-a-possibility-of-pregnancy meds without any worries.
Only another 6 or 7 days until spotting begins. 10 or 11 until AF shows.
March 24, 2006
Mama 101
First rule of being a mother: enjoy spending every minute of your child’s life with them.
I have failed Mama 101. We got a call from P’s daycare yesterday to say that the drop-in thing isn’t working because he pretty much cries all day long, and it’s taking up a lot of the teachers’ time and not allowing them to pay enough attention to other children. I can completely understand this being a problem–I knew P cried more now at daycare than he used to, but I didn’t realize it was that bad.
Our options are to either put him back in every day so that he gets used to the routine again (and ostensively stops crying) or to take him out and be a full-time stay-at-home mom. And, G-d help me, I don’t know which to choose. J wants to leave it up to me, as he says we can afford it financially and it’s really more about what I want to do. Shouldn’t it be an easy choice? Shouldn’t I want to spend all day with him? But it’s more complicated than that.
If we leave him daycare every day, we could drop him off between 9 and 10, and pick him up at 2. Since they eat lunch from 10:30 to 11:30, and nap from 12-2, we’d really be sending him for playground time in the morning, lunch, and nap. And that doesn’t seem so bad to me. He’d be there for 4-5 hours a day, we’d still have several hours in the morning (he’s up by 7) and would have until 8 p.m. in the evening. We wouldn’t have to worry about losing our spot, which is a true concern since we love our daycare and I know that they’re almost to capacity–and our area is growing at a tremendous rate. It would make the transition easier for him when I go back to work full-time, because he could still be home about the same time most mornings (J can drop him off just before 9) and I would be able to pick him up by 4. I love that he’s learned so much there, and more so since yesterday they switched his favorite Spanish-speaking teacher from the 1-year-old room to his current room. He was learning so much Spanish in the 1-year-old room, and his current room had no Spanish-speaking teachers, so I was sorry that he wasn’t learning any more. If he stays, he’ll undoubtedly pick up more Spanish. He’s quite social when he’s there everyday.
If I stay home with him, I’ll get tons and tons of time with him. He loves spending time with me, and vice versa. I’ve treasured the time I’ve spent with him in the last month–more than I’ve gotten to do since I was on maternity leave 2 years ago. I love sharing our days. Even when we’re doing routine things, he makes it more interesting and fun. He can often entertain himself, which is a big relief for me–I was really afraid that I wasn’t going to be able to or enjoy keeping him entertained all day, one of my biggest fears about being a stay-at-home mom. I can get him potty-trained pretty soon. But he almost never naps when he’s home with me (despite my best efforts), which means he’s exhausted and grumpy by late afternoon, and that frays my nerves. J works a lot of hours, so he gets home just in time for P’s bedtime most of the week, and misses it at least once or twice a week. If P doesn’t nap, J only gets to see him in horrible cranky moods or else misses him entirely if he goes to bed early. I would hate for that to be their only time together (other than mornings, which are always fun for all of us). I have things that HAVE to be done, like all the infertility stuff, take another standardized test, get my teaching certificate, look and interview for a job, see my counselor each week, etc. And these things are more difficult or impossible to do with P around. J’s schedule is a little flexible since he is his own boss, but we can’t always count on him having the time to watch P–he does have to meet with clients and go to court sometimes. And, to be perfectly honest, I like to have some time to myself.
So we’re going to take the weekend to make our decision. Any and all comments/advice will be appreciated. Because I just don’t know what to do.
March 23, 2006
“Guilt is a wasted emotion”
I heard a DJ say this yesterday and have had it on my mind ever since. I feel guilty so often, even when I know there’s no reason for it. Could it be that I’m Jewish? I learned it at the knee of my dear mumsy, who is a master bar-none (well, maybe her mom is better) at the guilt game. But then again, so is my MIL, who is not Jewish. They each play it in different ways, but both are incredibly effective at making us writhe with guilt for not sending pictures/calling more often/visiting, etc.
Then there’s my own guilt. I feel guilty about sending P to daycare today when I really didn’t have to. Listening to him say "I say home Mama" (I want to stay home with Mama) just breaks my heart, especially since his teachers say he’s been crying a lot more often while he’s there since I finished my defense. But I would also feel guilty about not sending him, knowing how hard it would be for him to adjust to being there full-time once I start working again if he wasn’t there for 4 more months.
And there’s the infertility guilt, which rears its head in so many various ways. I won’t go back into the guilt of being the cause of our infertility ("if I could only lose 5 lbs, if I remembered to take my prenatal more often, etc") since I think I covered that the other day. But I have even more now.
I feel guilty about being hopeful this cycle, which is just wrong. I shouldn’t be allowed to feel hopeful at this stage of things. I keep feeling like I’m at the lowest point of infertility depression that I’ve ever been through…then I find another one. And here I am, daring to feel hopeful? Why in the world should I feel hopeful, when there are so many infertiles feeling so much less than that? So I’m trying to ruthlessly squash the hopefulness like the bug that it is. Save myself the pain later on. I can’t even imagine the depression I’ll feel if I allow myself to hope for the next two weeks (OK, 8 more days before spotting starts) and then AF shows up. Particularly since that’s when my current Bradley students will start having their babies.
I was invited to a baby shower in a few weeks for a friend of mine. After my trouble at the last baby shower, which was for a fellow infertile, I was already trying to figure out a way to get out of it because I know that it’s going to be intensely painful. And then suddenly I realized that I actually DO have an excuse–I have to proctor a diagnostic MCAT for Princet*n Review that day. I agreed to do it back in November, and I can’t ask them to find someone else because I did that for the last one (which was the day of the adoption fair). So now I can RSVP that I can’t make it, which should relieve my guilt, right? I mean, I’m not just making up an excuse not to go–I really CAN’T go.
Except, because my mind is perverse and feeling guilt is something I do really well, I now feel guilty that I’m not going. I feel like I should go and just suck up the pain of celebrating someone with no fertility problems whatsoever having a second child. Self-preservation be damned! I’d really like to be sent into a tailspin of heartache and depression for days. Particularly since it will be right about the time that AF shows up–I will have certainly started spotting, and the cramps will probably show up the next day after the shower. Fun combination, huh?
Geez, I need to talk to my counselor again.
March 22, 2006
Oh, the agony!
Just FYI before I get into today’s post, I think P did use up his cuteness yesterday, since today he has: dumped all of his magnetized alphabet/numbers on the floor (we’re talking close to 100) and refused to clean them up, fed the dogs most of his breakfast, and colored on the guest room door with a blue crayon. Happily, he is now napping (in his own bed, for a change).
I was in lots of pain last night. This ovulating-on-100mg-Clomid thing REALLY hurts! I couldn’t let my bladder get too full, or I’m in exquisite pain. I couldn’t sit up without reclining, or it put too much pressure on ovaries. I usually sleep on either my stomach or on my side cuddled up against J, and I couldn’t do either one of those last night because it hurt too much to have ANY pressure on my lower abdomen. Both ovaries, serious pain. I woke up this morning and it was pretty much gone, so I think I ovulated last night. All well and good, except that now my left ovary has started chiming in again, which makes me think either it’s residual pain or I’m ovulating again (not impossible, from what I’ve heard). I’m leaning towards the latter, since I really did feel pretty good all morning.
J thinks we’re going to end up being part of the less than 1% of people on Clomid who have triplets. He finds it amusing. Me, not so much.
I don’t know if this is normal. Sure, I’m happy to respond to easily to the Clomid when I’m on Metformin. But I’ve just never heard of it hurting so much to ovulate! I know the risk of OHSS is low with Clomid, but I wonder if I have it mildly. I just found this on a site: "Some patients with polycystic ovary syndrome who are unusually sensitive to gonadotropin may have an exaggerated response to usual doses of clomiphene citrate tablets USP". It then says to use the lowest dose and proceed from there. I might have to ask my RE about that, since I responded nicely to 25 mg d3-7. The site also says that there are preliminary studies saying that taking Clomid earlier than d5-9 results in more pregnancies. I’m going to have to do some more research. PubMed, here I come!
I definitely need to make an appt with my RE. We need J’s SA results, to find out if I do have a fibroid, to discuss future treatment options, talk about future testing in case I do have endometriosis, etc. There are just so many things to consider with this, not the least of which are financial. I don’t particularly want to have another $400+ ultrasound unless there’s a very convincing reason. But I think there might be, to determine whether I have cysts. I didn’t on d3, so if I do now, they’re probably directly related to the Clomid.
*sigh* This is all so much fun.
***Updated to add: for the first time in a LONG time, I actually mentioned to J that if we do conceive this cycle, we’ll have another mid-December due-date and could have the baby on P’s birthday (he was conceived on March 28, 2003, and this was a March 22, 2006 ovulation). We were having such a good time talking about it, and it made me realize that for the first time, we were both hoping. So if akeeyu can admit that they’re hoping, I’ll admit it here also. It will probably come back to bite me on the butt, but I try to remain totally honest to my feelings on here and this is an important one. I’m really hoping. I don’t know why this cycle is different than the others, maybe just the emotional upheaval of Clomid, but I haven’t hoped like this since we first started TTC P.
***Updated some more: I added a photo album–it’s on my sidebar. It is password-protected. If you’d like access, you can e-mail me at pcosbaby@gmail.com. If you’re a regular reader/commenter, no problem. If not, tell me a little about yourself and why you’d like to see it!
March 21, 2006
Is there a maximum on cuteness?
‘Cause if there is, I’m really worried that P is about to his limit. (Clearly, I will be talking about P here, so if that bothers you, stop reading now. I know that there are times it bothers me a lot to read about other people’s kids.) I feel like not being bitter. Since my last post, I’ve: gotten to watch the episode of 24 that I missed from last week, watched another episode of 24, am anticipating The Shield’s season finale tonight, didn’t have to report for jury duty today (more about that below), and gotten a peak on my monitor this morning. So I’m in a happier mood. And talking about P makes me happier than dwelling on infertility.
I wish so much that I felt safe posting a photo of him here, since I’d really like to show him to you. But alas, I hear horror stories about people who’ve done just that and so I will learn my lesson from their actions. Some of you know him, so you can vouch for his cuteness.
Anyway, I spent all of yesterday bored out of my mind in jury duty. I mean ALL of it. From 8 a.m. until just after 5 p.m. I was put in a jury pool for aggravated assault with a weapon and cocaine posession charges. We didn’t even get started until 11:30 with the attornies. Then they finally brought us in, told us the charges, and started asking some general questions. There were 42 of us in the pool and they needed 12 jurors and an alternate. In any event, after an hour of general questions, we were given an hour for lunch. Then we went back to the jury assembly room and they brought us to the courtroom in groups of 12 for further interviewing. I was #35. Each group took about an hour, and after my group they decided they didn’t need to interview the last 6 since they could come up with enough jurors out of the 36 they’d interviewed so far. So they finally came up with the list of jurors just after 5 p.m. I wasn’t on it, which means I go back to the jury pool and have to call each evening to see if I need to report again this week. Thankfully we got out late enough last night that they didn’t call us back today.
Then I had to hold office hours for my bio students about an hour south of the courthouse, from 6-8. So I didn’t get home until after 8:30. Happily, since I had only gotten to see him for about 10 minutes in the morning, P was still awake. For some reason, he refuses to sleep in his toddler bed anymore (after only using it for about 2 weeks–glad I only paid $12 at a consignment sale for it!) and wants to sleep on the guest room bed (really a fold-out couch). So he’s been sleeping in there, which give us lots of room to cuddle and read stories before he goes to sleep. J told him there is an alligator under the bed/couch. Normally, I would say this was one of his dumber ideas–yeah, scare the kid into thinking there are dangerous animals under the bed–but P thinks it’s great. He makes up stories about how there are actually two alligators, a mama and a baby, and they eat money. And they nibble his toes when he puts them down there, but it just tickles him. J wants to buy him a little stuffed alligator and surprise P with it. Somebody’s got J wrapped around his little finger…
P’s just being the cutest kid in the world today. This morning, he was pretending to be a hamster in a cage by putting the laundry basket over himself. And we played trains, and read 6 books before breakfast, and went to the library, and the grocery store. Gosh, he’s sweet.
One of the things I like best about him is that he’s such a genuinely nice boy. He’s starting to remember his manners more, though all we have to do is say "What do you say?" and he knows the correct response (please, thank you, excuse me, etc). He loves to help put the dishes in the dishwasher and put laundry into the dryer and water the plants. We tell him often that he’s doing a good job. And he realizes that he can do the same thing. My sister and I took him to the park when I was in NY, and he was having a blast going down the slides–we kept telling him ‘good job’. A little girl came down right after him and P turned around to her and said "Good job!" He was so sincere, we all started laughing. I thought it was just a funny story at first, but now it makes me so proud of him. Even though he’s not yet 2 1/2, he realizes that it makes him feel good to hear that, and he can make other people feel good by saying it to them. And he wants to do that! At an age when kids are so self-absorbed and everything is "mine", "myself", "me", P is trying to make other kids feel good for what they’re doing.
Mind you, he has plenty of "mine, myself, me" moments as well. And I just heard "I do it myself" for the first time this morning (instead of just "myself"). But I’m so proud of him for being such a nice person. I hope we can continue raising him to be so nice.
PCOS Baby 