January 31, 2006

They ate the babies!

Posted in The musings of Erin at 12:54 pm by Erin

I realized yesterday morning that, while still far outnumbered, I am no longer the lone female in the house.  Pre-fish tank, the household consisted of me, J, P, and our two male dogs.  Now we have female fish!  At least 4 of them, and I think there are actually 5.  They taught me how to tell in the pet store–the anal fin (yes, that really is what it is called) on males is pointy while on females it is triangular.  Betcha didn’t know you were going to get an aquatic life anatomy lesson today on PCOS Baby, did you?

Maybe I’m grasping at straws here.  But I AM NOT ALONE ANYMORE!!

I’ve been pretty sure for nearly a week that our female Sunburst Platy was pregnant.  She was seriously fat.  This morning I came downstairs to feed the fish and by golly, there was this itty bitty baby Platy in there!  It was basically eye and tail.  I saw it for long enough to get a good look but it was amazingly tiny and I lost sight of it, and never saw it again.

Now, I’m no marine biologist but I do know one thing.  Fish don’t have just a single baby.  And those babies do not just mysteriously disappear after being born.  Which leads me to only one conclusion:

They were eaten.  Urgh.

This conclusion was borne out by the PetSm*rt fish lady, whom I see frequently since our frogs keep dying for no known reason (we had 4, 3 died, got 2 more, and have had 2 more die–we’re down to one who seems perfectly healthy).  I told her that I saw a baby fish today and that I think they were eaten, and she told me that when her kids were younger, they used to have a fishtank also.  The kids used to watch the fish being born and then watch the other fish eat them right up.  One of the kids wanted to know if the parents ate them because the baby fish were bad.

I am a sick and twisted person, and would not have been able to keep my mouth shut if faced with an opening like that.  I will probably have P scarred for life before he starts school.  Lord, please let him never ask me something like that.

Anyway, so now I’ve got a breeder container that I will put her in when she gets knocked up again.  It shouldn’t take long.

So something in this house can get pregnant.

But at least I don’t have to eat my young.

January 30, 2006

Feeling a little fake

Posted in The musings of Erin at 10:15 am by Erin

It almost seems phony to post right now.  We’re not necessarily taking off this cycle but given all that’s going on, we’re certainly not going to give it much effort.  I feel like Barbie Erin but without the figure and cool accessories–going forward with a vacant look of mild pleasure on my face.  And also lacking the ability to stand on my own, as I am a certified, grade-A klutz.  Unfortunately, P does seem to have inherited that trait from me.  He’ll be running along, carefree and happy, and SPLAT!  He’s down on his face.  Given his carefree nature, though, he only pouts for a minute (and only if I’m watching, ready and waiting with the Mama-kisses).  Then he’s warping back up to speed.

Anyhow, I was going to try to get back into this without dwelling too much on the current situation.  I’m seeing a counselor and while I know that it will be a difficult process, I know that we’ll get through it with a lot of hard work and committment.  So I have an outlet to deal with that and I was going to try to separate the two things from one another.  But it turns out that’s harder to do than I’d realized, as they all play together in weird and twisted ways.

So for the next bit, while we’re dealing with the initial stages of this process, I may either: a) not blog, b) blog about other parts of my life but not much about IF (and there are plenty to deal with, since my defense is in a month, I’ll soon be a mostly SAHM–and can’t even begin to tell you how nervous I am about that, I’ll be trying to get my certifications together to teach, looking for a job, etc), or c) put up posts about IF that probably have some bearing on my life but do not deal with the immediate future.

I know delurking week has already passed us by, but please comment and let me know what you’d like to read about.  I am at 75 posts and only 53 comments.  I feel strangely unbalanced.

January 29, 2006

A wee bit o’ laughter

Posted in Happiness is a true gift at 1:53 pm by Erin

This made me laugh a lot–thanks to Jen for posting it!

Ten Top Trivia Tips about Erin!

  1. Snow White’s coffin was made of Erin.
  2. Never store Erin at room temperature!
  3. South Australia was the first place to allow Erin to stand for parliament.
  4. If the Sun were the size of a beach ball then Jupiter would be the size of a golf ball and Erin would be as small as a pea.
  5. In the Great Seal of the United States the eagle grasps 13 arrows and Erin!
  6. Four-fifths of the surface of Erin is covered in water!
  7. The patron saint of Erin is Saint Eugenie!
  8. In Japan, Erin can only be prepared by chefs specially trained and certified by the government.
  9. Erin was originally called Cheerioats.
  10. Over 46,000 pieces of Erin float on every square mile of ocean.

I am interested in – do tell me aboutherhimitthem

January 28, 2006


Posted in The musings of Erin at 3:33 pm by Erin

Thank you to all of you for your support.  We’re getting through this crisis, but it certainly won’t be easy.  I should know since we’ve been through it before, but it gets more complex each time.  Everyone is healthy, so that’s not a concern.  And no, J did not cheat on me, so don’t worry about that either.

It would be so easy for me to forget that this is actually a public space that real people read (and you’re not all just imaginary people from inside my computer), but because that’s not the case, I can’t write about this.  It’s too private.  All I can say is that I am actually glad that I’m not pregnant right now.  I would not want to deal with this while also dealing with the beginning of another pregnancy.

So I will continue to blog and keep that part of my life separate.  That said, I know it’s a lot to ask for prayers when you don’t have any idea what’s going on, but I could certainly still use prayers for strength (if you believe in them).

I turned in my dissertation the other day.  I will hopefully have a meeting with my committee in about a week and a half to get approval for it, and have a tentative defense date scheduled for February 27th.  Another reason I’m glad not to be pregnant now–I may ovulate before then, but I certainly won’t know if I’m pregnant yet, and probably won’t even get to a point post-O where I’d be having any symptoms yet (yeah, as if I need to worry about that).

Oh, and I only spotted for 2 days last cycle!  I started a day late and…only had an 11-day LP.  Instead of my normal 13.

My life is really messed up right now.  Body, mind, spirit, everything.  But thank you all for your support in getting through it all.  It means more to me than you may ever know.

January 25, 2006

My world has been shaken

Posted in The musings of Erin at 7:21 pm by Erin

Thanks to all who posted sympathy for my spotting.  I have to say, though, that I could now care less about the spotting.  I cannot, or should say will not, blog about the current issue but it has my hands shaking and I have already cried hysterically once tonight.

I don’t know when I’ll blog but right now, IF is the least of my concerns.

Also, if you’re an IRL friend, please don’t call and ask what’s up.  If I feel like talking, I’ll call.  Just please, keep me in your prayers.

January 24, 2006

Thank goodness

Posted in TTC woes at 5:04 pm by Erin

That I’ve started spotting finally.  You know, I was really getting worried that I might actually get pregnant sometime.  I mean, what would be the fun of getting pregnant now, when instead I could have to take off yet another cycle and then get all those fun and exciting tests?  I haven’t had a good wanding in almost 3 years now.  And how would my RE pay for his nice car and offices if I managed to get pregnant without extra help?  I don’t think I could handle that concern. 

Guess I’d better just go have a beverage of the adult variety and fall into oblivion.

Stupid TOB

Posted in The musings of Erin at 7:56 am by Erin

It just won’t leave me alone!  I’m at 10dpo and still not spotting–this hasn’t happened in almost a year.  No signs of pregnancy, no nothing.  Just a missing spot.  And of course going one day later than my normal latest lack-of-spotting is helping TOB burrow even deeper.  Which means a bigger fall when I start spotting today or tomorrow or whenever I start.

Do I wish I was pregnant?  God, yes!  Am I scared that I might be this time?  Of course–I’ve been out of Metformin for 3 days and haven’t called in to get my refill (30% or higher risk of miscarriage in PCOS-patients without Metformin; see this article for more info!) and I haven’t been taking my prenatal vitamins.  And I haven’t started that exercise program that I keep meaning to start.  And this would mean having TWO children.

How can something so hopeful be so scary at the same time?  I know that’s not necessarily an IF question, though it definitely applies there also.  I just remember that we had been so focused on just getting pregnant that when I finally did get pregnant with P, I was giddy for about an hour.  Then the reality sank in and "Holy shit, we’re going to have complete responsibility for another human life!" 

I just read back over this and OMG, I am so obviously overtired.  My defenses are too low to resist the siren’s buzzing of TOB.  This is just not fair.  I need a nap.  OK, I need a full 8 hours of sleep, but a nap would help.  I hope J gets out of court soon so we can go get my car (which is now fixed, hooray!) and I can go sleep for a few hours before picking up P.  Who was just moved to the 2-year-old classroom at his daycare yesterday.  It was very abrupt–in the morning he was still in the 1-year-old room and when I picked him up, he was in the 2-year-old room.  I even asked a couple of weeks ago if they did a slow transition into the new room the way they did from the infant room and they said yes.  Which was good, as I think it’s easier for kids to adjust to new situations if you give them more time.  I wish they had this time…P seemed to be doing OK in there when I went to get him, but he was clearly more reserved than he was in his old classroom.  No real surprise, he went from being the oldest kid to the youngest and almost the smallest.  I hope he’s OK in there.  I can’t help but worry.  He seems so little compared to the other kids.  But they have an awesome playground that I know he’ll love–way more climbing and bigger slides than the one used by the 1-year-olds (one of the things I love about our daycare is that they have separate playgrounds for all the different ages, with only age-appropriate toys and equipment).  I hope they get to go out to play today.

Jeez, someone pull a plug on me or something.  I keep babbling!

January 23, 2006

Why am I blogging now?

Posted in The musings of Erin at 10:59 pm by Erin

It is almost 2 a.m.  I spelled blogging "globging" when I tried to type my title the first time.  I’ve mispelled pretty much every word on here so far, and probably won’t catch all the typos before I post it anyway.  The signs point to the fact that I NEED TO GO TO BED.  The dissertation that awaiteth final approval from my advisor tomorrow says that I need to stay up, all night if necessary, to finish it.  The big problem is that my brain has clearly shut down.  But I have to meet with my advisor at 9 a.m. and hand him a finished, somewhere around 215 pages long, complete with table of contents and list of 50+ figures, dissertation.  So I am trying to write.  I needed a break, so I’m writing.  On my blog.  Well, at least it’s quiet and won’t wake up J and P, sleeping soundly in bed and crib respectively.  And dogs, sleeping soundly on couch or rug.  I don’t know if the fish/frogs/snails sleep.  Shouldn’t I know that?

I didn’t go to bed until after 2 last night either.  Got 5 hours of sleep.  Tonight, looking like well less than 5 hours, as I have at least another hour or two worth of work to do, plus I need to be up by 6:30.  We are down to one car, as our SUV stalled out on me yesterday (today?) while waiting at a stoplight.  Thank goodness for Triple A, even if it takes an hour.  And that J was with me (we were going out to lunch) and that we were stuck outside a supermarket, so I stayed with the car while he got us some subs.  Stupid repair shop said they had time to look at it and didn’t call me back to tell me if they did, or what’s wrong with it, or what. 

Of course it had to be today.  It took up 2+ hours of my time to deal with that today, and right now, that means 2+ hours less sleep that I will get.  And I had to watch 24 tonight.  Don’t even try to argue with me about that one.  Tomorrow I have to be at school and J needs to be in court downtown at 9 a.m.  Which means that we need to get up, get ourselves and P ready, get him dropped off at school (which will be a fight since we’ll have to wake him up to get him out that early, and he wakes up cranky if not allowed to wake on his own), get me down to the lab, and then J can drive downtown.  So we’ll probably have to leave no later than 7:30, probably earlier than that.  Which means I’ll have to be up by 6:30 at the latest.  If I get to bed by 4…

I’m not even going to do the math.


UPDATE:  I went to bed after 5.  I got up at 6:40.  And I don’t think I really slept.  I did more of that drifting, half-sleeping thing the whole time.  I’m surprisingly alert now, but I don’t know that I’ll be able to stay up and watch The Shield tonight.

The Optimism Bug

Posted in The musings of Erin at 1:31 pm by Erin

I’ve been bitten by The Optimism Bug (we’ll call it TOB for short).  TOB has obligingly been leaving me alone post-O for months and months now, yet for some reason has decided to take a big ol’ chomp out of my meaty leg today.  Actually last night.  I think it may have something to do with the fact that I had a reunion of my first two classes of Bradley students yesterday, and I was surrounded by adorable, chubby, happy babies under 4 months old (and their loving parents who kept gushing over my classes and how much they learned, and how great their births were).  And I LOVED it!  I was worried that it would be akin to being slowly roasted naked over an open campfire surrounded by drunken fraternity boys (and how I have that basis for comparison will go to the grave with me), but instead it was so much fun.  And TOB saw his chance, slapped his little fly pals "high five", and dove on in there.

So now I’m hopeful and wishing again.  Maybe this will be the cycle that I don’t start spotting early.  Maybe this will be the cycle that I find out that we’re being blessed with another child.  Maybe we’ll be able to call my RE and say "Thanks but no thanks–we don’t need those tests anymore!"

I’m already 9dpo, so at least I don’t have long to wait to find out.  Last cycle, I started spotting the evening of 9dpo.  It could happen next time I visit the restroom.  Who knows?

So for your reading enjoyment, a collection of quotes about flies (and other flying insect-like creatures) that may be relevant!

"God in His wisdom made the fly
And then forgot to tell us why."
~Ogden Nash

"One tiny insect may be enough to destroy a country." –Ancient Arabian quote

Happiness is a butterfly, which, when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you.
–  Nathaniel Hawthorne

Around a flowering tree, one finds many insects.
–  Proverb from Guinea

January 21, 2006

Blindsided and bewildered

Posted in TTC woes at 10:06 am by Erin

I got blindsided two days ago by a pregnancy announcement.  I was so thrilled when I had a normal reaction to a friend telling me that she was pregnant that I thought I was able to handle things again.  I figured that if it was someone I am friends with, then I could apparently be happy for her without feeling like I’d been whacked over the head with a baseball bat.  Truly was not the case on Thursday.  A friend told me that she was pregnant with their second child; she knows about our IF problems and to her great credit, she was as gentle as she could possibly be about it.  But I was completely thrown for a loop, as I’d thought they weren’t even going to start trying for several more months.  I managed to smile and say congratulations, ask the required questions about when she’s due and how she’s feeling, but the whole time my brain was screaming and wailing in agony. 

I spent the rest of the day and much of yesterday on autopilot: taking care of P, getting dinner ready, getting him to bed, working on my dissertation as best I could.  I kept my emotions as well hidden from P as I could and for once, I don’t think he really picked up on it.  But that had a consequence also–when he was in bed and I was all ready to sit down and have a good cry, I couldn’t do it.  I was depressed and miserable and felt like my heart would shatter into a million pieces, but I couldn’t cry.  It felt like I was beyond tears.

The bewildering part comes from J.  I often lash out when I’m hurt or sad, and J’s a safe target since he knows it and doesn’t take it personally.  I was trying so hard to stay angry on Thursday, taking offense to him not saying the absolutely perfect thing at the perfect time, the fact that he doesn’t seem to care each month that we’ve failed to create another baby again.  (Fortunately, he got home after P was in bed and I don’t yell, I just bitch.)

I was amazed to find out how differently we view things.  He admitted that he doesn’t know what I’m going through.  He said he’s just so thankful to have P that he can’t get too upset about the possibility of not conceiving another one–he very much wants to have a bigger family with me and knows that we’ll be able to do that through adoption, so it doesn’t bother him so much if we can’t conceive another.  It bothers him to see me unhappy, which is why he often seems a little depressed when another cycle ends.  I was trying to stay angry with him–it’s so much less painful to be angry than to be sad.  But I couldn’t be.  He just made too much sense and was so open and honest.

I had a hard time understanding his reactions before that, but when I think about it, a lot of my desperate desire to have another child is very much physical.  I physically yearn to carry another child, to feel another child growing in me, to feel that life come to be.  I feel like there’s another someone inside me who’s trying to get out (though admittedly, not as strongly as I did before we had P).  My breasts sometimes ache to nurse another baby.  And these are sensations that J would never feel, so of course he has a different type of desire to have another baby.

It certainly gives me some things to think about.  J wants me to go talk to someone, and I’m considering it.  But not now.  I’m still feeling too small and sad right now.

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